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Surviving Mother’s Day While Trying to Conceive

No matter where you are on this journey I see you and you are enough.

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See the full transcript below:

Let’s just see. Okay, now I look like I’m live on Instagram. So, sorry, Instagram. I’m a few minutes late, but real quick. It looked like I was live. And then I realized I was not. I’m live on Facebook and was just filling them in on what we’re going to talk about today. So for all the new followers on Instagram. Welcome. Thank you. I just introduced myself to everybody on Facebook, but briefly Aimee Raupp, of AimeeRaupp.com. You can see all the things I do there. But I was talking about how fertility is an extension of health and that health is mental, emotional, physical, and nutritional. And today we’re going to talk about a more mental health style conversation today because so many of you who follow me are women who have read this book, which seems to reach lots and lots of people all over the world.

And this weekend in the States is Mother’s Day. And so there’s lots and lots and lots of media. An, I don’t know, just conversation about Mother’s Day. And for those of you that are not yet mothers or are trying for another child and maybe our mother already to one, or, whatever other children, it’s just also a source of pain and a reminder that, it’s yet another Mother’s Day where you haven’t achieved this dream or this desire of bringing this child through. For some women, and I see this a lot in my group too. Someone commented on the post last night and she’s someone who’s been in my group for a while. Robin, and I loved what she said. She said, I enjoy celebrating Mother’s Day because I really enjoy celebrating my mother and my grandmother. I have a lot of gratitude and appreciation for them, but I do feel left out, because I am trying to become a mother and it’s been a challenge.

And so I think that’s the biggest piece of this feeling of being excluded, not included. And I’m not talking to women who are choosing not to have children because God bless you. If you choose not to have children, that’s your path and I support that too. And I commend that. Whatever feels good for you. I’m really talking to women who are actively trying to have a child and have to go through another Mother’s Day.

And I also have seen in some of my groups from women who tried for a long time, succeeded at it. And then when Mother’s Day comes, they are hit with mixed feelings. They still have grief and trauma from the years of trying to conceive. No matter how long you’ve tried to conceive, it’s long enough, right? So whether it was years or months, it doesn’t matter to me. Long as long. Trying is trying. And feeling left out is valid. Your feelings are really valid. Your grief is really valid, no matter what the path was for you. Some women who’ve had multiple miscarriages and do have children now, but still grieve those losses on Mother’s Day, right? Just a couple of days ago it was the National Child Bereavement Day which were honoring children that were lost.

And some of you are brand new mothers and have been on this path for a while. And I think what you’re dealing with or facing is actually what I would term as PTSD. You were on one side of the journey for so long, longing for this child and trying so hard for this child. And then now you’re on the other side and it’s maybe it’s your first Mother’s Day or your second or your third. And it’s a little bit like you’re a deer in headlights, because you spent so much time maybe wanting to avoid this holiday or feeling so excluded and left out. And I guess the biggest thing I wanted to talk to you guys about today is that your feelings are valid. And I don’t want you to feel guilty. That it’s not a great holiday for you?

And that maybe there’s a ritual you do for yourself, in the morning on Sunday or at some point this weekend to honor the pain in your heart and the longing and the desire. And maybe a letter to your future child. Lighting a candle, letting them know that they’re in your heart and you can’t wait for them to be with you in physical form. And this is a challenging day for you because everywhere you look. And I posted something on my stories earlier in Instagram. The Period Doctor. She’s great. If you don’t follow her, you should. And she was like, for all of you that just say Happy Mother’s Day to like every woman walking down the street, like stop it. Don’t do that because not every woman over the age of 19 is a mother.

And you just don’t know their stories. You don’t know their struggles. And so it’s just, have a great day, good morning. Right. Sort of just bring and I hope others bring that consciousness to you. And I think just let yourself be in a space of not feeling like you have to fake it, not feeling like you’re a jerk because you’re not excited for Mother’s Day. We’re all here because we have a mother, right? So for me, I think that’s an easy way to deflect it.

That works for me in a sense of I think about my mother and her mother and my grandmother and my husband’s mother and all the mothers in my life that I really appreciate. And so to deflect any reminder that yeah, I would have had a one-year-old at this point right after my miscarriage and that does bring up sadness for me. But I try to stay in the moment of what is this about. So it’s also about honoring your own self care. So maybe you don’t have anyone to directly celebrate today. You know, this weekend that that is a mother in your life and you’re not yet a mother, but so then how could we celebrate the art of mothering ourselves of nourishing ourselves and honoring that? Or I also do believe though that you’re here because there’s hope in your heart and you do trust the process. And this has been a longer journey than it needs to be, I think, for any of you. But you could, if it feels good, find a way to honor the mother to be in you.

What will this look like for me one day? And also to I think be really honest with yourself. That I don’t know that getting to the other side of this fertility journey is going to take away the pain or the grief that you feel this weekend or really any day. Time does heal and life does move on. But speaking honestly, I think you’ll always remember this time and the pain and the grief. And I just want you all to be easy on yourself and not use it as an excuse to beat yourself up or to be mad at other people. That your pain is your pain and it’s valid. And whether that’s feeling grief, that’s feeling sadness, that’s feeling overwhelmed, that’s feeling anger or being left out or just not quite knowing what to do?

So you could just shut out the day and stay home whole up, watch some movies, but how to just best support yourself. And so I think if we have mothers in our life to celebrate, we can kind of push the focus on them. I remember after my dad died and Father’s Day would happen and I just fucking hated it. And it’s a different situation, but it was still my grief. I was in so much pain after losing my father and I felt very left out. I didn’t have a father anymore. And I channeled that into celebrating my dad. Ah, not my dad. Oh my God, my brother. Because he was a new dad. And I wanted to just… I’d channeled that if you will, I channeled it into celebrating him. And then I channeled it into I would always do a beautiful about my father on Father’s Day, channeled it into like remembering, and honoring and the legacy.

And then now I have a husband who is a dad, and so I get to channel it into that but it doesn’t take away the pain or the grief. It’s still there. And so, hmm, whatever you can do to honor the women who’ve come before you who have mothered and then also honoring how you mother and nurture yourself. And if it feels good to go to the next level of honoring the mother to be in you. But there’s going to be, how to handle the awkward situations too if they come up. If say you’re going to a restaurant and everybody at Mother’s Day gets a flower and you’re not a mother and you want to scream or shove the flower back in somebody’s space.

It’s just, coming up with a sentence or two that feels comfortable to you. If someone says, oh, where are your children? Or Happy Mother’s Day. You could say, oh, not yet, but soon I hope, right? Or, oh, thanks but yeah, we’re not parents yet, or I’m not a mother yet, but thank you. I think whatever’s going to feel good for you and that response. And it could also be, yeah, we’ve been trying, and unfortunately we haven’t had any luck, but hopefully next year I’ll be a mother. Whatever feels right to you to say. The people that are close to you are going to know, and the strangers might not. So it’s whatever feels good to you to stay in a safe space. And so, some people that might be avoiding any Mother’s Day celebrations altogether. But for others, there’s no choice. You have a mother yourself or a grandmother and you’re going to go and honor them in some way.

And to just I think just sit with yourself at some point during this weekend and really be honest with yourself. And it’s okay to feel all the feelings. I feel left out. I feel excluded. I feel like a loser. I still can’t achieve this thing, and I’m trying so hard. I feel sad. I feel mad. I feel grief. I feel a heaviness.

And knowing that you don’t have to solve for it. Knowing that just your feelings just like that are okay and valid. I think we worked so hard to try to fix. And then I think also when we share our feelings with others, they work so hard to try to come in and fix. And so what if it’s just like, in this moment, it’s not fixable. This is just how I feel. And I hope to God, at some point soon, I don’t feel this way, right? That I can shift through this. We have a big Mother’s Day Sale going on right now for my skincare line. And it’s literally our biggest sale of the year for Aimee Raupp Beauty. And it’s great. I love it. People love my products and they buy them. But we’d have all these emails that go out on the list. And the other day I woke up and I think too, because I’m still in the space of wanting a second child.

And so I understand on some level with all of you. The longing and the desire and with that comes the understanding of what this day coming up this weekend means for a lot of people. And I am so grateful and fortunate than I am a mother to James. But knowing that I missed an opportunity to with my miscarriage. It’s still, it brings up sadness for me. I could cry talking about it. And so I woke up the other day and I felt guilty that we were promoting a Mother’s Day Sale and sending emails to all of you about a Mother’s Day Sale. And so many of the women on my list are not mothers yet, or they’re trying to become mothers for the first time or the second time or the third time.

And in a similar boat to me, some of you and in a similar boat, it felt like a little icky to me. And I thought about it and I know it’s come up before and it’s why did it bother me? It’s well, I don’t want, just like this holiday does for so many women. I don’t want it to be shoved in your face or assumed that you’re a mother when you’re not yet.

And you have this pain and this longing and this desire. And I guess I reconciled it too though, because really at the root of my mission is women who heal themselves, heal their children’s children. And so to me Mother’s Day is bigger than just the physical representation of having a child or two and being a mother to them, or having a mother ourselves and celebrating. But it’s also about how we nourish and mother ourselves. So perhaps for you that might make this weekend easier is a reflection of all the things you do for you and the importance of self care. And maybe that does mean if there’s invitations that you decline for this weekend, any Mother’s Day celebrations, because it brings up pain in your heart and how about a day for you mothering you? I mean, we should have a national holiday for that too, I think.

Happy Nurture Day. How to nurture yourself and take care of your herself. And with that it’s just, I don’t know. I didn’t overly prepare for today’s conversation because I really… The biggest thing I just want to say to all of you is, it’s okay to feel how you feel. It’s okay if you feel any feeling. And that you do what feels good for you in resolving that or just being with it. Maybe it’s not even about resolving, just being with the feeling. I feel this way because, and so what can I do for myself to make myself feel better in these moments.

This is just another day that is, I think, a very blatant reminder for many women that they have not yet achieved a desire of theirs and that I think for me, it brings up that feeling of like, oh, I’m failing at this thing. I’m not succeeding yet. And that can be triggering on some levels. So how to manage that trigger. How to manage that grief or anxiety or sadness that comes up. Really, I think the answer is, is then how to mother and nurture yourself. What can you say to yourself that’s tender and sweet and kind. I think you can acknowledge the way you show up for yourself. The way you’re efforting, you’re trying on this journey. The support that you have received. The ways you’ve learned to take care of yourself, to mother and nurture yourself. The desire in your heart that is still there.

I think also a huge part of mothering and nurturing ourselves is not just honoring the bad feelings when they come up, but also honoring that you still have hope in your heart. I think that’s something powerful that maybe women are afraid to admit or to hold onto is, yeah, I’m not a mother yet. And this weekend or this day brings up sadness for me, like any other day that I’m reminded I’m not yet a mother or I haven’t yet brought through this child. But I still have hope in my heart and I’m continuing to pursue this. And so in that vein it might then be easier to celebrate the other mothers because it’s looking at it as a whole, rather than you being singled out and rather seeing it as this is a journey, this is a path.

Not one you chose to be on, not one that is easy. I’m not saying any of that, not one that is your fault. It’s just this is where we’re at. So I do think a huge part in healing is acceptance. And, okay, so this is where I’m at. It’s another Mother’s Day. Here I am. It’s a reminder. Kind of sucks. A shity day. So what can I do to make me feel good? How can I support and nourish myself. While also if it’s necessary, honoring the mothers in my life with cards and flowers and all the things, right? It’s a big, to-do. It’s a big to-do. It is.

So feeling all the feels but also I think it’s really important. I think that could be a really nice Mother’s Day gift to yourself is honoring the hope and talking more about the hope. We talk a lot about the hopelessness and feeling not supported and feeling lost on this journey and not knowing who to turn to. But not so much about the fact that you’re still looking for answers and still reaching out for support and finding communities of other like-minded people on this journey with you. It does to me translate very clearly that there is hope. It is awaken you. And so could you honor that for yourself this time around? I’m not a mother yet, but I still have hope in my heart for this child.

But today, so I have a mixed emotions today, mixed emotions. I feel a little sad and a little left out, but there’s still some hope in my heart. And how can you just honor and cherish yourself like that, right? No one’s really commenting that much. Let me look over on Facebook. Anyone have anything to say? Any comments?

Just watch this happen and whole foods. Okay. Over the years, I purposely not gone to church on Mother’s Day. Everyone wishes me Happy Mother’s Day. They make all the women stand up and people clap them. They try to give me a flower on the way out. It hurts way too much. Yeah. Nicki that’s painful and there’s something wrong. I just want to say, I honor you and I hear your pain. I don’t know if I know how to solve for it other than doing what you’re doing of not going. And I think the one thing I want to say to you is don’t feel guilty for not going. We as a society haven’t done a good job of letting women, whatever.

If there’s a choice to not have children, or if a woman is struggling to have children, to not make her feel excluded on this weekend. Right? It’s very interesting. So it is sad, but I think on some level, yeah, avoiding, that might be the best thing. I just want to say to you Nicky and all of you guys don’t feel guilty if avoidance feels like the best solution. Don’t feel guilty about that. Because I actually think it’s more on society than it is on you. That we should be more inclusive of everyone wherever they are in their journey or their path to motherhood or their to not become a mother, right?

Thank you for your encouragement and acknowledgements. Any love to all of you on this journey. There is hope I agree. I agree. I think it’s Bonnie saying that Robin lovely message. Well, thank you Robin too. I liked your comment and it helped me formulate what I was going to talk about today too. That it’s for some I think it’s anger and for some deep grief and for others it’s just this thing of yeah, and this is a club I’m left out of.

I think about that a lot with the fertility challenges. This is a club you’ve never wanted to belong to it. And now you do. And so how do we navigate that, right? And so on a weekend like this in the States, it’s like, all right, yeah if someone says Happy Mother’s Day to you and you’re not yet a mother, what do I say back? How do I handle that awkward situation? And I think whatever feels good to you. But I think something along the lines of, oh, I’m not a mother yet, but thank you hopefully soon. And if it feels even good to you to say, it’s like, yeah, we’ve been trying and haven’t been successful yet.

I think sharing does lift the shame. And I do think the moment you open that door, there’s going to be like 10 other women that rush to your side and tell you their stories. A lot of these milestones Mother’s Day, Halloween, Winter Holidays are just so painful. It brings up a lot of resentment toward people. I really love. It makes me so angry that this is the story of my life, while others can kind of compartmentalize and say, oh, I’m so sorry you’re going through it. But then they get to move on until I break their blessings. Yeah. Alexis, I hear you.

It is. It’s like you feel very excluded. And there’s choices there. There’s so many choices there and how to manage that. I do feel there’s the acceptance, which it sounds like you have of just that sense of, this is how it is. These holidays are hard for me. And then I think what milestones can I celebrate is another question I would ask you. And can you make a list of things that are milestones for you that you can celebrate and be happy or proud of. Or can we shift it? Okay, this is Mother’s Day. I’m not yet a mother. It breaks my heart. How can I mother myself? How can I honor the mothers in my family that have come before me? How can I carry on their legacy? Baking something that your grandmother used to bake or trying to almost shift the energy.

And I mean, like I said before, with the Father’s Day thing, for me. That was like how I did it dealing with my deep, deep grief that I still have over the loss of my father. And how to shift that into other ways to celebrate. So that I remembered kind of globally what it was about. And I think from a mothering perspective, I think that’s part of it too. Of honoring the legacy of women that brought us through. Honoring the hope in your heart. And then most importantly, though, honoring yourself and how you choose to mother and nurture yourself. Oh, Nikki, you’re sweet, thank you.

Let’s see any comments or feedback on the Gram guys? No. Okay. Well, I’m going to just wrap up and let you all know that you are worthy. Even if you’re not yet a mother. You are valuable. You mean a lot to this society. You mean a lot to me. You are just worthy of all the love in the world. You’re worthy of all your dreams coming true. And you’re worthy of nourishing yourself and mothering yourself. And remember that women who healed themselves healed their children’s children. And you are here because I do believe there’s still some hope in your heart. So you honor that and just take care of you this weekend. Do whatever you need to do to keep your heart feeling safe and protected. And maybe even happy and nourished and nurture. Okay. So I love you guys. I will see you next week.

End Transcript.

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