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NIAW 2021: You Are NOT Broken

I stand in solidarity with you.


All right. I think we’re live. Hello, hello, hello, everyone. I am coming to you live like I do every single week, to share what I hope is inspirational, and uplifting, and helpful advice and support wherever you are in your life. And many of you are in the throws of trying to bring a baby through and into the world. And so you’re on the trying to conceive journey, and this is National Infertility Awareness Week. And so I wear orange because I stand in solidarity with all of you. And I wore orange for a Facebook live or Instagram live I did last night with Dr. Merhi, talking about, we just did a live Q&A to best support all of you. So if you haven’t watched that, it’s really great. It’s on my channel here on Instagram, Facebook, you guys can pop over and watch it on Instagram, I’ll also put it up on YouTube.

And yeah, today it’s just important for me to come to you. And I wanted to talk about what something … It’s the first chapter of this book, of my book, Yes, You Can Get Pregnant, which has become, and has been for many years an Amazon bestseller in the women’s health and fertility space and has served multiple, thousands of women. So I think like 40, 50,000 women have gotten this book and we get tremendous feedback from women all over the world about how helpful and supportive this book. And things like this that I do on a regular basis to support the community have been in their journey. And something came up. We sent an email out to our email list yesterday, and you guys probably saw the post on social media, on Instagram and Facebook.

And the title of this live is, You Are Not Broken. And we got a response from, and now I know I can’t please everybody. And that’s not what this is about, but we got a response from someone who subscribes to my list that she didn’t like the subject heading. And she felt like the email itself made her feel more broken. And she is broken. And I think she wanted to be met there in her brokenness. And I thought it was important, because it’s really the basis of what I wanted to talk about today anyway, that why I don’t like the word infertility. And I think it’s really because it’s this stigma, it’s basically telling you that you’re barren, that you would never have children. And that’s just not the case. For most women on the fertility journey, I know where you are at right now you feel that way, you feel broken, you feel infertile because there’s been no proof otherwise.

So I understand that as a clinician for 17 years, working with women in this field. I also understand that as a woman who went through her own miscarriage and is now pursuing getting pregnant again at my advanced maternal age. And so I think I understand it from multiple sides. And when I say something like, “I don’t like the word infertility, or you are not broken,” I think it should be, I want to clarify where I come from when I say that. And it’s because as a practitioner and somebody who studied biology, chemistry, functional medicine, traditional Chinese medicine, herbalism, supplements, nutrition, I have a lot of work under my belt to bring you the best of what I can bring you. The best information, the best knowledge, the best resources for you to help you figure this shit out.

Because I don’t want to see you struggle or be in pain anymore than you already have been. But so where I come from when I say things like, “You are not broken, or I hate the word infertility,” it’s because I truly, in my core, in my heart of hearts, and in my medical knowledge, do not believe you are broken. I do not believe you are infertile. And that’s not because I live in some fricking bubble la-la land. It’s because I’ve been in the dirt with you guys, and the research, and the doctors, and the success, and the stories of hope for, like if you count my clinical study years, for literally over 20 years.

So I don’t think you’re broken, I actually think you’re fixable, if you will. And I know maybe that’s the opposite way of saying that you’re broken, but like, and I wouldn’t even use the word fixable because I don’t think you’re broken. I would use the word, I think your fertility is … I talk about this in this book. I break it down for you so crystal clear. So, for the people that I feel judged by who are telling me that I am being insensitive to the community when I say things like, “You are not broken, or the word infertility sucks,” I don’t think you’ve taken the time to really understand where I’m coming from. So I’ll say that. But I do say in, Yes, You Can Get Pregnant, that I would rather you look at this as your fertility is on a spectrum, right?

And so right now you might be over here on the not so fertile side of the spectrum, but you can move into the more fertile aspects of the spectrum. Some women need to move two notches, and boom, shit happens, they get pregnant, right? Some women need to move eight or 10 or 12 notches. And then the boom, the shit happens. And some women need to go through fucking 10 years of this nonsense, and some one. I don’t understand all that. And I don’t judge it, and I do honestly get very spiritual about that side of things, because I do trust in the timing of our lives. And I do trust that we’re always where we’re meant to be. I don’t like to see the suffering, it absolutely sucks. But I also don’t like the labels. I think labeling ourselves as infertile or broken is not helping the situation. My job, and I actually was in my private group just before, and I was talking about this topic.

Because this email has obviously, like it’s triggered me a little bit, but more in a way of like, I feel I’m so sensitive to the topic. Like my heart and soul is in this with you guys. Am I fully and understanding of what you’re going through? No. Because have I been on a fertility journey for seven years with no baby? No, I haven’t. But I feel I’ve been in the dirt enough to really see and understand the hell that this struggle can be. And that I’m there I think with a helping hand. But even the title of this book, I got flack for this, right? Yes, You Can Get Pregnant. There’s a lot of women that find offense in this title. Because they’re like, “But I can’t.” But I entitled that for a reason, and the reason is really to challenge the stigma, challenge the infertility word, this unexplained infertility or whatever diagnosis you have, to challenge it.

Because I have seen things radically shift for women that were told they could never have children. For women that were told that donor egg was their only option, or adoption was their only option, or surrogacy was their only option. Or they were never going to be mothers, or they could never fix their PCOS or their endometriosis or their premature ovarian. Now they changed the word, insufficiency instead of failure, because it’s not a failure. Because for some reason these women get diagnoses of premature ovarian failure. They just change the word to POI instead of POF, because guess what? Because they’re realizing it’s not a failure, you’re actually turning things around. We used to call it, and Dr. Merhi brought this up in my Instagram live with him last night, which I thought was really powerful. We used to call it sub-fertility, not infertility. Sub-fertility is the right word. You are in a sub-fertile range right now. And there are so many things that you can do to turn that around.

And so for me, where I come from in my teachings, in my words, which I am very deliberate about, and I think about, and I have loved laced in all of them is this sense that I don’t want you to be the victim anymore. I want you to step into your power, the theme, the mantra throughout this book is, I have the power to change my health and improve my fertility. Your fertility is an extension of your health, and there is a ton of things that you can do to turn that around. I also hold space for you and honor you and stand in solidarity with you in the bad times. There are days, that could be months, there could be weeks where it just sucks and you don’t want to be in your power and you want to be a victim. And you want to feel sad for yourself because everybody is freaking pregnant and you’re not. Or you just had another miscarriage or another failed IVF, whatever it is, and that sucks.

Or you’re a 100 grand in the hole from all these fertility treatments and you still don’t have a freaking baby to show for it. That sucks. That sucks, that sucks, that sucks. And if you’ve been around me long enough, I’m all about feeling all the feels. I want them up and out, because they don’t serve us. I also though want you to be able to change the story, right? Life is the story we tell ourselves. Our perception is our reality. So what is your elevator pitch on your fertility story? How laced with negativity is it, or fear, or anger, or judgment, or hope, or peace, or ease?

What is the story that you are telling yourself, because your body and your uterus, your ovaries, your hormones, they hear everything your brain says. So chances are the story you’re telling about yourself out there in the world is also the same story that your body is hearing. And that’s also why I wrote my third book, Body Belief. You know, I really talk a lot about that in Yes, You Can Get Pregnant that there’s a whole chapter dedicated to the mental, emotional piece of like, how can we unpack this? How can we tell a different story while still honoring what we’ve been through. The whole thing sucks. I never wished for any of you guys to be here, I never wished to have a career or write books about helping women get pregnant, you know? And in fact, to me this is like, I’m in solidarity with you. And I am actually going to, I’m going to turn this story around for you, because yes you can do this.

And maybe the better title would have been, Yes, you can be a mother, and there’s a million ways to get to motherhood. And I also, I think that too, and I talk about that though in the book, but it is, you are not broken and I don’t believe you are infertile. You potentially have sub-fertility, right? You have some hormonal imbalances, which we know can be fixed. Maybe you have some inflammatory conditions, which we know can be helped. Maybe you have a diagnosed condition like endometriosis or PCOS or premature ovarian insufficiency, or maybe you have high FSH or low AMH. Maybe you have all of them. Maybe you have some of them. Maybe you just keep having repeated failed IVFs and you have no freaking idea why. Bad sperm, whatever it is.

I’m not saying that we don’t own if you will, those diagnoses, but that we also learn, “Okay, what can I do? What can I do right now to better support myself instead of giving all my power away?” And that was really the impetus behind this book was the fact that what I saw day in and day out in my clinic in New York City when I was working. I would work four days a week in both of my clinics and see upwards of 60 patients a week. And 80% of them were women trying to get pregnant. And what I saw every day for 10 years straight was women who were handing away their power. Women who were hanging their hats on their lab work. “My FSH is this, my AMH is this. My doctor says, ‘This is my only option, there’s nothing else I can do for myself.'” And they were, they felt helpless. They felt hopeless. And they were on the hamster wheel of the trying to conceive journey, which I know many of you guys know exactly what that feels like, exactly what that looks like.

And I wanted to just scream from the rooftops of this thing of like, “Yes. So yes, you can get pregnant. Yes, yes, you’re in this challenge right now and you have this diagnosis, but you’re so much more than your lab work. You’re so much more than your diagnosis, and you’re so much more than your fertility story. You’re so much more than your fertility story.” And can we get you back to who you were before you had this story? Can I get you back to living your life from a place of joy and expectation and hope and trust that the things you need are coming to you at the exact right time.

So again, I do not think that you are broken. I also think that you deserve the right support. And if you have doctors that are constantly reminding you of the fact that you are broken or you’re infertile, or that you are never going to succeed at this, to remember that it’s your time, it’s your money, it’s your energy, it’s your resources. Choose another doctor, find someone else, or find a support system with people who are like you, who understand you, and who are cheering you on. And instead of going down the Google dark holes of all the women who never get pregnant with an FSH over 16 or 25 or 60, or an AMH under 0.4, whatever, why don’t you start looking at some of the stories of hope? Because there’s a lot of fertility around you. And that might be hard to embrace right now, because you are the one who feels broken and infertile. But if life is the story we tell ourselves, and perception is reality, and our body does hear everything our brain says, then I beg of you to ask yourself the question, “How does my current loop, the story I’m telling in my head and my body to people, how does that serve me in moving the ball forward? How does that serve me in moving in the direction of my dreams of growing my family?”

And this isn’t, nobody’s to blame. That is the last thing I’m saying here. It’s more just, how can I better support myself? And that’s really what I try to provide to all of you guys, and to myself, and to my team. How can I better support myself so I can tell this story, because does it make me feel good to tell the story? I think that’s a really valid question to ask yourself, “Does it feel good to live in this story of being infertile and broken? Does that feel good? Or does that make me sad, mad, angry, pissed off, rage full, all the things?” What is it?

And I would love for you to get clear on that, but you might not even know what it feels like to feel good anymore, because you feel so sad and upset and broken, right? So, but to sit with that, does this story feel good to me? Or am I ready to move on? You know, I’m really into spiritual work and mind, body medicine and quantum physics and all of these things and the law of attraction. And I like some of Joe Dispenza’s work, some of his stuff is a little trippy for me, but in his book Becoming Supernatural, he talks about the fact that if you want to change the trajectory of your life, if you want to change where the future of your life goes, you have to stop reacting based on things that happened to you in the past.

So he says like, “Your emotions are based on your past experiences,” right? So everything you bring to your current reality is an emotion that is based on your past experience. And so if you want to continue living in the same kind of loop, then you can just keep reacting based on your past experience, based on, well, these are the possibilities, because these are all the things that have happened to me. So IVF’s don’t work, trying naturally doesn’t work. The diet doesn’t work. The meditation doesn’t work, acupuncture doesn’t work, Chinese herbs don’t work. You know, this IVF didn’t work and that IVF didn’t work and I don’t get blastocyst and all my eggs are bad and my FSH is still high, right? If that loop still, and that’s where you’re responding to your life from, if that still serves you and feels good, then it might not be time to change anything or to think about other possibilities.

But I’d love for you to reflect on the other possibilities of like, “Oh well, there are all these stories of women improving their FSH.” And then there was also doctors that now are saying FSH doesn’t quite matter, it only matters if you’re going to do IVF. And they can put you on the birth control pill and lower FSH that you have a regular stem cycle in an IVF, right? There’s a lot we can do now with medication, even if you just want to go the medication route. Or there’s plenty of girls that weren’t getting genetically normals and then get one, or weren’t making it to blastocyst and then get there, or had several failed IVs and then get their baby. And so I could be one of them, all you have to do is slightly just open the door a little bit to the possibility that things could be different then what they were for you so far.

I just had a call with a girl yesterday, seven years into this process she finally got a diagnosis of endometriosis, seven years. This probably explains all of the delay. It frustrates the hell out of me, because she just didn’t have the right support to get to the right doctors at the right time. But she’s also a really spiritual, beautiful, and all of you are beautiful human beings, but a very spiritually connected human who said to me, “I do trust the timing in my life. And I see what this path has done so many amazing things for me too.” And so now she’s ready to tackle this next thing and make those babies, right> But, so for her though she was open to the possibility, she was willing to see another doctor try a different style IVF.

And this doctor was the one who said, “Let’s do a Receptiva test and see.” And sure enough, it came back with endometriosis and okay, so we’re going to treat now. No one else has even done that test on her. She didn’t even know it existed. We’re going to treat that now. It’s been around for like four years that test. But I think somewhere in her head she was open to the possibility that things could be different. Things could shift. Things could go in a different direction. And so for you, it’s not about, we’re not erasing the past. We’re also going to try not to blame the past and we’re not shaming the past. I think we own it. That is part of us. It’s part of our thread now, but are we ready for things to change? And I think you could all answer yes to that. Am I ready for things to change, right? Yes, give me a hands up or some hearts and whatever. Am I ready for things to change? Yeah.

Okay, so what are some other possibilities? So X number of fertility treatments haven’t worked for me. Or that diet didn’t work for me, and that day diet work for me. So what makes my body feel good? Or just, what are the possibilities for me? And so the next time you get in that loop, where you go to react to fertility. Yes, there we go. I’m ready. There we go, guys. I love it. I know you are. I know you are so ready for change. So, what that entails though is consciousness. It really does entail consciousness in the sense that I want you to tune into this story. The story of, “I’m in fertile and I’m broken.” And really honestly ask yourself, “How is that serving me right now?” It’s not going to go away and I’m not asking for you to eradicate it, because that’s impossible. It’s just, could we be more on the side of possibility, like a 60, 40% of the time that we’re in possibility and letting ourself daydream a little bit, versus in the fear and the worry and the trauma of the past.

This is a significantly traumatic experience that you are going through. No matter how long your journey has been, it’s real life trauma to have, to something so badly and for it to not be happening. And that it’s so easy for other women, that is significant trauma. And I never want you to not feel heard or understood in that. But I also want you to be aware and conscious of how much space is that trauma taking up in your life, and how ready are you for change? I’m ready for change, then I have to begin to heal or let go of the burdens that no longer serve me. Find a new way to look at this. Be open to possibilities. Maybe today I’m going to just go down the rabbit hole and read positive stories about women who have changed their AMH or their FSH, or who have gotten pregnant after 23 failed fertility treatments.

I got them on my page. I got dozens of stories of hopes, and we share them every month because they happen all the time. And it’s women of all ages, and women of all amounts of cycles or not. And all the things, and I have lots of stories I could share. And I share the ones that I think could resonate the most, but could I be open to the possibility that things could be different? Or could I at least be honest with myself? That although I feel broken, and although I feel infertile, and although I feel scared and mad and sad, I’m still here, I am still looking for more information. I am still reading more books. I am still looking for the latest, greatest supplements. And maybe you’re even doing research on what is out there now in the world of fertility.

That things are exciting. You’re still here. So that means you still have hope. So could you just give that hope a window of opportunity? So even when the loop comes up, “I’m infertile, I’m broken, I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel seen, this feels unfair. Everybody else is pregnant, not me. This sucks. This sucks. This sucks. I’m running out of time every fucking day, every fucking period. I’m running out of time. I’m running out of time. I’m running out of time. But call me crazy. I’m still here. Call me crazy, I still have hope.”

And if you’re a spiritual person, like I am, I do believe some of that hope comes from a little spirit baby or babies up there that is nudging you along. That is saying, “Don’t give up on me, mom. I’m ready to come through when you are. We just got a couple more things to figure out.” So to think about that, that this is like, I get that your story is what it is, and I honor that. But to also think about the other possibilities.

And that I could speak for myself and my team and our messaging, and we’re never out there to try to point out the things you’re doing wrong and where you fucked up and why you’re not pregnant. It’s to open your mind a bit. That’s really the goal. Awe Louise, I know I am too, I’m like totally crying. The goal is though it’s like, I just think that it’s all things in life. Like you could keep doing your life the same exact way and do it that way for the next 50 years, that serves some people, it truly does.

But then there’s, it’s called expansion. We’re allowed to change and evolve all the time. So you can look back and say, “That anger served me at one point. That sadness, that story of being infertile and broken totally served me at one point. But now I know I need to honor myself and honor my power because I’m still here and I still have hope. And there’s something about these theories of hope and I get hooked on, or I’m willing to try 600 milligrams of CoQ10 because I read the research or two milligrams of melatonin or alpha-lipoic acid.”

Like all the things, I know you guys have read all the books, you have all the supplements, you’ve done all the things. So if you’re willing to do all those things, then show up for yourself on that emotional level. If you are willing to give that supplement a try and spend the 30 bucks of your hard earned money on a supplement. And I know, believe me, I mean, I’m with you guys. I spent a couple hundred dollars a month on supplements, it’s insane. But I truly believe in their efficacy because I see it in my body and my mind and my health, in my family’s health.

But if you’re willing to invest that, and this time and this energy, and you’re reading this book and all the other books, then be honest with yourself. Because what that shows me is that you still have hope, and I am not dishonoring you by asking you to step into that hope, more than you’re in the of failure and infertility and brokenness. So it’s really the other side of the coin, that’s all it is. And just reflecting. It’s all I ask of you guys. You know, I think I honor you every day of every week of every year and have for almost two decades at this point. But I will not stand in solidarity with you, calling you infertile or broken, because I as a medical practitioner who has been doing this for 20 years, thereabouts, I just don’t see it. I don’t see the brokenness and I don’t see the infertility.

I see sub-fertility that can be improved. And I see kinks in the system that can be worked out. And that’s how I view it. And you don’t have to agree with me and that’s okay, but just, it’s like the thing when, and some of you guys may take judgment on this, but this is a good example. When I’m doing a live and I’m talking about food, right diet is a great example. And someone comments and says, “Well, I’ve been vegetarian for the last five years, and I’m not willing to eat animal protein. What can I do to get pregnant?”

To me it’s like, “Okay, but what are you willing to do differently?” So maybe I don’t have you to get back to eating meat, but could you add in some eggs, could you add in some fish? Because it’s not just my story that I’ve made up, like there’s clinical data, there’s research that shows women who eat more protein and fat get pregnant faster than women who don’t. So to me it’s like, “Okay, you’re stuck, and I lovingly say this, but you’re in that loop of like, ‘This is what I want to do. And this is how I want to live my life, but I want different results.'” So We have to step back and think about that. But what are you willing to shift or surrender to, or let go of, and why are we holding on so tight to this story of the past? How is that serving you?

And that requires a lot of re wiring and reframing and work. And, I spend a lot of time in body belief helping you with that tool, or the tools that I have body belief, help you with the rewiring, the reframing. But I think the first step is, is just reconnecting to that story and how it is defining. So, right, our thoughts dictate our behavior, our behavior dictates our health. And so how is what I am doing every day helping me towards my goal? How were the thoughts I’m thinking every day, how is the story I’m telling of myself every day? How are the choices I’m making, and what is the space I’m making those choices from? Are you mad that you have to give up gluten because everybody else who gives up and gets pregnant?

Oka, so let’s, can we figure that out? Can we find a happy medium, but do you eat gluten and then beat yourself up for it, because now that’s why you’re not pregnant still. What is the loop in there? And that’s my favorite part of the work I do with the girls I coach with and then in my groups, is like, let’s get into that loop. And can we start to parse it out and see, “Okay, how is this serving you? Okay, so how do you feel,” that’s what I always go to? How do you feel when you eat that thing? Oh, I get bloated, or I break out, or I have constipation, or I feel fine. Okay. So, then we can figure that out. Maybe that food works for you, maybe it doesn’t work for everybody else. But I want to get back to this feeling place behind it, and then just really identifying with whenever you tell the story of being broken and infertile, I think part of you needs to share that because you need more support.

I really think that’s the truth, too, right? And sharing lifts the shame, I always say that. And so some of it is you need more support and you want it. But then some of it is too to look at it and like, “But I’m ready to eat to tell a different story.” And so how can we tell a different story? How can we start telling a different story? “Yeah, I’ve been in the space of being infertile and broken for many years and I’m ready to change the story.” Maybe that’s all you say, “I’m ready to change the story. Or there’s other women out there who’ve been like me and they figured it out. And so I’m just going to follow in their path. Or yeah, I’ve been infertile and broken for a long time and it sucks. But for some reason I still have hope. And so I’m going to let that hope be my guiding light.”

And I know time is running out, and I know I’m getting older, and I don’t really think, I mean, obviously there’s a finite amount of time to when we can conceive, but it’s getting later and later. And I mean, I think women, we’re doing it for a long time, well into their 40s for decades and decades and decades and millennia, if you will. But I think there’s some reworking around that from a medical perspective too. And there’s really cool data right now coming out, showing this is another thing, and I’ll do it for another time. But showing that there is a big difference between physiological age and chronological age, depending on how you live your life, which is the whole theory of epigenetics. And so, and obviously that’s been the basis of my work for literally 15 years. And the basis of Chinese medicine for thousands of years.

So this is, it’s amazing. But all these stories need reworking. I mean, just even the fact that Dr. Merhi said that last night, when we used to talk about fertility, we would call it sub-fertility. Now all of a sudden it’s infertility, that’s not the truth. You are not infertile. And I’m not saying that I’m trying to take this thing from you and tell you you’re not, when you feel like you are, I’m just saying to think about it. You could say, “I’m subfertile, or I have some kinks in my system and I got some hormonal imbalances and I’m trying to figure it out.” Could you say that, instead of, “Yeah, I’m in fertile, I’ve been dealing with infertility for five years and I have a $100,000 in debt and I have no baby to show for it.” Oh, there’s anger and there’s grief in there, and you got to work through that. And I honor that with you.

But could you just say like, “Yeah, I got some fertility challenges, I’m working on rejuvenating them.” That’s what I say here. I say, “Instead of saying that I’m infertile, could you say, ‘My body is in need of some fertility rejuvenation.'” And we all could use some rejuvenation. And if fertility is an extension of health and it’s really just about optimizing health, and health is mental, it’s emotional, it’s physical, it’s nutritional, it’s all the things. So, in this week of National Infertility Awareness Week, and honestly every day of every week of every year for the last almost two decades, I honor you guys, I stand with you. Know that you are the inspiration for the work that I do so I can help you figure out this shit and help you get to the other side. And if I had a magic wand, I would wave it, and none of you would ever be in this space.

So please know that at the root of all the work I do is really for you and to uplift you and to inspire you, and to give you solid information that is medically sound and based. Because that’s what you deserve, because there’s a lot of freaking nonsense out there, and I’m sure it’s overwhelming. So with that, I’m going to go, I love you guys, and I’ll see you next week. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.


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