Sex & TTC: When, Why and How {Expert Fertility Advice}

While on the fertility journey, it’s important that the products we use in the bedroom are made with nourishing, hydrating and non-toxic ingredients. Vday is here, so I want to talk about when to have sex while #TTC, how to keep it fun, the lubricants we use, and how to choose non-toxic bath and beauty products that SUPPORT your thriving fertility.

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Disclaimer: Please keep in mind that I am not a medical doctor. I have been a practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine for over 17 years and I will be speaking from my clinical experience helping thousands of women conceive. The office of Aimee E. Raupp, M.S., L.Ac and Aimee Raupp Wellness & Fertility Centers and all personnel associated with the practice do not use social media to convey medical advice. This video will be posted to Aimee’s channels to educate and inspire others on the fertility journey.

SEE TRANSCRIPT BELOW OR CLICK ON THE IMAGE ABOVE FOR THE FULL VIDEO.

Hello, hello. We are going to get into sex today. Who wants to talk about sex? Hi, I'm Aimee of AimeeRaupp.com, and I get to come to you live regularly and talk about fun things like this, sex, and all things fertility related and health related so that you can live the life of your dreams. And if you are trying that, you can call through that dream baby because you deserve it. You deserve the life of your dreams and you deserve it to also be fun and easy and simple. Yeah. So, let's get into it.

I'm going to be pulling stuff from one of my most popular books, Yes, You Can Get Pregnant, which is for sale anywhere books are sold, but Amazon seems to be the place where people find it the most. However, it's everywhere and it has served, I wrote it in 2015, I think it came out in 2015, and it has served literally tens of thousands if not a hundred thousand women at this point. So, if you haven't checked out your copy, please do so.

And so, let's get into it. At first I want to talk about sex. I talk about this on page 68 in Yes, You Can Get Pregnant. Have hot sex. So, this is in where I'm talking about living in the flow of nature. Here are 10 things you need to start doing now to become one with nature and optimize your fertility. Remember, I'm a practitioner of traditional Chinese medicine that makes me an acupuncturist and herbalist. I also have a biology, chemistry, neuroscience degree. I'm working on a functional medicine degree. I'll do all sorts of stuff. I'm always learning. I'm always striving to better serve you guys and to best support you on this path to motherhood and to be your true fertility detective, really help you figure it out. And so, when it comes to being one with nature, what I mean by that is like, we say in Chinese medicine, living in accordance with the Dao, which as in the Tao Te Ching, T-A-O or D-A-O, depending on the spelling.

But what we really mean by that is kind of getting back in the flow of your life. Going to bed at the right time, listening to your body, connecting to your body. I talk about that a lot in my book Body Belief. But reconnecting to yourself, what are my needs? Are they being met? Am I able to ask for them? Am I able to defend myself? Am I able to slow down when I need to slow down? Am I able to speed up when I need to speed up? Am I able to identify where it doesn't feel easy, where I'm efforting too much? And so, it's really all of Chinese medicine and how we treat any health ailment is about restoring flow and harmony to the body.

And so, a big piece of what I do and what my coaches do when we work with women and we work with women all over the world and in our clinics, we have clinics here in the East Coast, but we coach women literally, right now I think I have a woman on every single continent in my coaching practice. Just so you know, every single golf continent and probably over a dozen countries. And so, we're working on restoring that harmony, that flow, and that's a huge piece of the trying to conceive puzzle because so much, and you guys know it when you're in it and I have full compassion for it, is you get into check the box mode.

Everything is like, did I take my supplements today? Did I do this? And I am to fault for some of that too. Here are the supplements, this is how much protein I want you to get, this is how much fat I want you to get, this is how much sleep I want you to get, so we start to get in this check the box mode. And unfortunately, when we get into check the box mode, we do that with sex too. Sex becomes a chore, a means to an end to get the sperm. The partners, if you're in a partnership, start to feel like sperm donors rather than partners that you lust for or love for or want to do it with. And we lose the fun. And I talk about that in this book, but generally across the board the babies are made out of love, right? There's a bit of magic that goes in there.

I joke with my son, 'cause he's too young to understand sex. And so, if he asks where he came from or how he's made, I always give this vision of a pot and that his father and we added in all the things that we love about ourselves, about each other, about our extended family, the legacies we want to come through. And then we added in some special magic fairy dust and lots of love and we mix it up. And it's just kind of my vision though too of where babies come from. It's like, yes, there's a lot of science and I know it all too well and half of it all too well. But there's magic too. And I don't mean to sound non-scientific when I say magic, I just mean that miracle piece is magic. That's how I would consider it.

And I do think there's magic in the act. If you happen to be in a couple and you do have the opportunity to try to conceive naturally at home in the privacy of your own bedroom, then you have the capability of that piece of magic. And also, I've talked about it plenty with couples that need to do fertility treatments, same sex couples, couples that have other reasons that they need to do fertility treatments. There's still ways of activating that magic and keeping it alive.

And I think a lot of it is the intimacy part, really understanding the why behind this partner, this person you are choosing to make a family with. Whether or not you can do it naturally in a bedroom, I don't quite care. But you can be intimate and you can access that deeper soulful level and reason, and bring that through into the magic of making this child, which I know for a lot of you right now, magic is the furthest thing from your brain. You're just like, “I just want my fucking baby, and I want to make it now, and I don't care how I make it. Aimee, you and your magic is annoying.” And I get that, I can be overly optimistic and that's just my job though. And I've been doing this for 20 years. So, I always say I have the luxury of being optimistic, because I see it work out for most every single woman I come in contact with. And so I hold that space for you.

And I think it's also an important conversation. And especially if you have a hell no of resistance to this conversation, that probably means you need to listen to it even more. So, keep that in mind too. But one thing I talk about is have hot sex. Did you forget that sex is fun and should be enjoyed? Losing touch with the nature of lust that was once part of your relationship is not an uncommon predicament to be in when the primary focus is baby making. However, keeping sex sexy is not just important for your relationship or your baby making it is also fun and it feels good. We're all about feeling good, right? You and your partner both deserve to have fun, feel good, enjoy hot sex. I talk a lot about having sex two to three times a week every week regardless of the ovulatory window, you could throw in some extra sex when you need to during that ovulatory window.

If you're surging and you just had sex two days prior, by all means I want more sex during that ovulation window. But I also think another way to really keep it fun and sexy is, and I know some of you guys have partners that really want to know all the details, I find clinically that I hear a lot of partners have, what's the word? Stage fright is what's coming to me, but erectile dysfunction under pressure. And so, I think it's important to not share with your partners when you're ovulating and rather just aim for sex a few times a week, every week. And even for you to have sex outside, it's totally safe to have sex if you could be pregnant, by the way, I know a lot of you worry about that. It's totally safe to have orgasms if you could be pregnant. It's totally safe to do that in the two-week wait and even in early pregnancy. And if someone told you otherwise, I would love to see the data behind that because there is, no.

The hormones released, especially for a female orgasm are amazing for the uterus, for all the things. But for you to get in the habit of sex a few times a week, every week or a couple times a week, or at least once a week, every week. I know we have a busy life and sometimes that's all it is, once a week, every week. But I make certain that there is sex every single week because it's just good for us. It's good to connect. We have a beautiful sex life and we enjoy each other and it's a part of my husband that I love and I don't want to lose touch with that for any reason. And I think, in the trying to conceive process it's easy to lose sight of that. And so, if you can leave the ovulation window and the details out of the partnership, I do think it allows for more fun sex and even for yourself.

And then, even for yourself when you know can't get pregnant, I bet you you're less inhibited and probably would have more fun. So, I think it's another thing to think about. And I know some of you feel like, “Oh, it's just another thing to add to the list.” Or, maybe you guys never had a great sex life and so now it feels pressure to have this magic and this sex life. So, you do you, magic doesn't have to come from in the bedroom sex, because like I said, there's lots of couples that actually can't physically make a baby in the bedroom having sex. And they are just as entitled to be parents as anyone else. And they are just as entitled to magic. And I think then what you…

And I actually wrote an article years ago on this topic, I wonder who I wrote it for and where. But I talked about, its intimacy is the key then, it's like making lists of what do you want in our child that's from me or from your mother or from your father or from what do you not want. Maybe let's not focus on what we don't want, but what do you want to carry through in our line here? And this also even goes for using donor, in my opinion, donor sperm or donor egg, because I do think the host and the nurturing aspect really influence that peace. But really being clear on why, what is our why behind building this family, bringing this child through, what is it my hope? What am I my hoping to pass on to this child? What is the legacy? And I think, in those moments you can get really clear on the magic as well. And the energetics around there too of that they're more than just a positive pregnancy test.

I know you all know that at the core, but it gets boiled down to that really fast when you're trying to conceive and it's not happening. It gets boiled down to really fast. Positive pregnancy test, rising beta, progesterone levels, thyroid function, really fast, it's boiled down to that immediately. And then we forget about this magic act that is happening. And really that piece is, I guess, almost you would call it the energetics or the spirit behind the desire. And when I work with women, a lot of them forgot the why. I have to remind them to go back to that, what is my why? Why did I want a family in the first place? What does motherhood mean to me? What does having a family look like and mean to me? How is that a part of my identity? And how do I define that and why? And getting clear on that with your partner too.

I just think to really pay attention to how they nurture other things in your unit. If you're in a partnership that really paying attention to if you have a pet or plants or even just taking care of a home, you can see those qualities, “Oh, I would love to see that quality in our child or pass through or that they get to give that to our child, shower that quality upon our child.” And so, to really think about that piece as part of that magic. So, I think number one is coming back to having more sex. Again, if you're in a relationship that allows that, whether it's hetero or not, I don't care, whether you can make a baby or not with that sex, I don't care, I still think we should be doing it. And then I also wanted to, then I think about getting in touch with that… I'm just looking for another piece in the book, getting in touch with that why. What is my why? That's a bit of that magic.

So, if you're thinking about, I do think it's fun to think of it as a soup. What are all the things that you would add to that baby soup? And I'm going to take from this, oh and my great-grandfather did this and I'm going to take from this. How to deal with the routine of everyday life to sustain a healthy sex life? Schedule it. I know that doesn't sound super spontaneous, but schedule it. And schedule to, okay, this is way TMI, but we have, maybe I shouldn't even say this out loud, Kenny would die. I call it thigh high Thursdays and it's like a joke, but it's like I could be fucking exhausted on a Thursday, but guess what? It's thigh high Thursday. TV's off, we're getting upstairs and we might just lay there and talk and eventually it leads to something. Or, we might just say we have to postpone it to Friday, but it is on the calendar. It is a rule. And we have busy lives. We both work full-time jobs, we do things outside of work and it's a priority.

And really for me too, if I'm very pragmatic about it, which I can be, what's 30 minutes for me to commit with my husband? It's like 30 minutes and it's amazing and it's fun and orgasms are amazing and they feel fucking great. And so, it's life is busy, but where are your priorities? This needs to be a priority. And we also have seen in the research that more orgasms and more sex make the female body more hospitable to sperm and more likely to conceive. Thigh high Thursdays guys.

Now you all have an image of me in thigh highs. I'm not always in thigh highs, but it's just what we call it 'cause it's kind of fun and it's sexy and it's silly. That's our relationship, every relationship is different. We're very silly, we make funny jokes, that's just how we are, but we've kept that alive. I mean we're eight years into our marriage and it's something that really is important to us. And I can also really clearly see how it could go away. How if I didn't kind of leave it top of mind, I could see that it could go away. And so, it's important to me, I have made it's a priority in my marriage and it's a priority for my husband. And so, we're very clear on those priorities.

And so, I talk about as well orgasms, conception, sperm also in this book. But did you know this, some research indicates that vaginal and uterine contractions up… Let's see, sorry. During a woman's orgasm, helped move sperm faster up through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes. In fact, one study published, measured the amount of semen flow back and found that when a female orgasm occurred right before or a few minutes after male ejaculation, sperm retention was greater. They also found this retention was higher even when the woman had an orgasm up to 45 minutes after ejaculation. The theory here is that the more sperm you retain, the better the odds of conception.

In Chinese medicine, we also believe the female orgasm is extremely important for conception, as it brings the female joy. Opens up her heart and the heart is connected to the uterus, and so we really see that flow through. But again, in situations where sex maybe can't equal a baby or meaning structurally or you're in a same sex couple, orgasms can still happen, that magic is still there, there's still that sense of pleasure and enjoyment. And even if you're doing this alone, that's another thing to really think about of orgasms are really important. The uterus is a muscle. You want to improve circulation and blood flow to that area? You want to think about orgasms, very important.

And then, we want to also think about; in this book too, in 2015 I wrote 30% of the population is fertility issues are male factor, I think it's more like 40 to 50% now. But you also want to think about ejaculations for the male health and sperm health. And so, another really important piece to the sex puzzle. And I think another hugely important piece that comes up all the time is lubricant. And so, I wanted to talk about it because it really kind of covers two different things of keeping sex fun. Obviously, keeping tissues hydrated and nourished make things even more fun. But what's in your lubricant. And so, remember you're putting that lubricant in your hoo-ha, as I like to say, your vaginal area and on the penis, if you're having a heterosexual relationship and even if you're not, but that you need to be fully aware of what's in your lubricant. 100% it needs to be chemical free.

I did a quick Google search before I came on and one of the most popular lubricants out there for fertility has parabens in it. Methylparaben is, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, the seventh ingredient. And I want to read to you what parabens do. We all know to avoid parabens, right? These guys are the worst. These endocrine disrupting chemicals are used to preserve products for longer shelf life. They're also very disruptive to our hormones. Many believe parabens play a significant role in female and male infertility. They have harmful implications in developing children, have been tied to higher incidences of breast cancer, avoid parabens at all cost period.

Other ones have, in fact this one as well has… Where is it? Oh, sorry. Polyethylene glycol. This stuff is actually used in oven cleaners, as it's a powerful degreaser. You will find it in many baby wipes, skin cleansers, lotions, shaving cream, laxatives, contact solution, and lubricants. It's been linked to kidney damage, leukemia, breast cancer, uterine cancer, brain cancer. It is a cosmetic form of mineral oil used in antifreeze. People handling it are warned by the manufactured to avoid skin contact, wear respirators and rubber gloves. Yet this is a major ingredient in most skin products, why? It's cheap and it gives that glide factor. So if you, okay, I'm not going to name names 'cause I don't, don't feel like it right now. I don't feel like getting in trouble by everybody out there.

There's another very popular one. Very, very, very, I think it's the Amazon bestseller in fertility lubricants. And again, it has methylparaben, it has propylparaben, it has the polyethylene glycol. So you want to really think about what the hell you are using. There are some good ones out there. Let me just go back, sorry. I want to just say, even the ones that say they are balanced for fertility, you have to look at ingredients. Okay? Fertility lubricant on Amazon. Again, I've gone through, here's another one. This is a water-based one, so that's important to know. But the second ingredient in this one, propylene glycol, which is the PEG. Terrible for us. Absolutely terrible for us. Do not use this product. Again, I'm not going to name names. And if you guys ask me about a name, there are some good ones out there, maybe I will highlight them.

I think Good Clean Love is a good one. But I have to look at the ingredient list again. Of course, ingredients, let's see. Yeah, it's free of those two big ones. So, you want to be super clear on, and then there's Conceive Plus. Okay, this one, there's one to that sperm friendly lubricant for couples trying to conceive. Again, yes, has methylparabens, has the PEG. So, you want to be super-duper careful on these products and you want to look at all the ingredients. I think if you're actively trying to conceive and you're not trying to prevent pregnancies, some of the best lubricants can be at home stuff like coconut oil, olive oil, shea butter. I make a Sweet Love Butter, Aimee Raupp Beauty. This is just whipped coconut oil and shea butter. So, this is not good for people who are trying to prevent pregnancies because fat soluble lubricants, like any of the butters or oils, will cause the condom to become porous and it can open up and sperm can get through. So, you'll have to be very clear on fertility friendly versus prevention of pregnancy lubricants.

But if you are trying to make a baby and you have gone organic with your food and you're doing clean supplements and you have changed your household products, you got to look at your lubricant. Okay? ‘Cause most couples are using lubricant, especially, to keep the sensation and the fun alive. Using a lubricant doesn't mean that you're dry down there, it just that glide factor can make it more fun. And so, you really want to think about what am I putting on my body and in my body and especially in the capacity as of making a baby. Okay?

So, when it comes to sex, we want to think about sex one to two times a week, every week. Set a date set, make it fun. I think what I've seen work for my clients is, most couples at the end of the day are on their devices or they're watching their shows that you have one day during the week where it's no showtime, and it could be a date night that you just have at home, you could cook dinner at home, have a date night, have a night where we're going to sit on the couch and we're going to talk. Or, for us it works better, we're in the bedroom and we just talk. We know it's on the calendar. We've talked about it earlier in the day, it's there. We're both… It's in our mental space and then we make the time for it. And if we really can't, we explain why and we make a time for it another day that week. So, at least once a week, ideally twice a week.

Orgasms again, super important for both sperm health and female fertility health, those orgasms, and we know for sperm retention orgasms up to 45 minutes after really help retain the sperm, which ideally then will help increase the odds of conception. And then we want to talk about is the why, what's in that magic soup? What's part of that magic that we are bringing to the table? Why do we want to create this child? And so, that goes for anyone, whether you're able to use sex to make a baby or not, but what is the why behind this? Getting really clear on that.

And then lastly, thinking about the things we use in the bedroom to help have sex be fun. And so, lubricant, I think, is a huge piece of that. And really being clear 'cause marketing and advertising is fucking amazing. And these companies pay other companies tens of thousands if not hundreds of thousands of dollars in ads, Amazon ads, Facebook ads, Google ads to be the top of the search, to lead you to believe these are super clean products. They will mess with your pH, which can impact sperm health and sperm's ability to swim. They will mess with your hormones and your partner's hormones. Again, whether homo or heterosexual couples, they will be toxic to you and can likely prevent a pregnancy or kill off sperm even if they say they're sperm friendly, so please look at ingredients.

I go through in, Yes, You Can Get Pregnant, and it's on my website too, if you go into my recommended supplements page, I have a list of all the ingredients you need to avoid in products, but I have the top 15 listed here on page 100 in Yes, You Can Get Pregnant.

And then, I too have a fertility friendly lubricant. It's called my Sweet Love butter. And all of my Aimee Raupp beauty products right now are on sale. They're 20% off until tomorrow, which this is right now, it's Thursday, what is it? February 9th. And so, Aimee Raupp beauty products, everything's 20% off for Valentine's Day until tomorrow, February 10th at 11:59 PM Eastern Time. If you use the promo code, ILOVEYOU23, you will get 20% off. And also if you go and shop Aimee Raupp Beauty and you like some of my products and you spend a $100 after discount and before taxes and shipping, so after discount, before taxes and shipping, that your total is a hundred dollars, you get one of these for free. So, keep that in mind. Okay?

“How much water should we drink around ovulation baths?” I don't have any idea about rules around water consumption around ovulation. I just say listen to your thirst o' meter. I do like ideally around half your body weight in ounces of water a day. But for some that's too much, for others, it's too little. It kind of just depends on the case and how you're feeling. And baths; I think baths are great, especially around ovulation, and adding a little baking soda or apple cider vinegar to your bath helps regulate the pH and can make your canal more receptive to sperm. What you don't want to do in the luteal phase if you could be pregnant, is overheat. And so, you don't want your baths to go higher than your body temperature, which is 98.6.

“I'm using your Sweet Love Butter. Before that I was using store bought one. That's a doctor's recommended while trying to conceive.” Well, thank you Michelle. “How do you like it?” I mean, we use it. There's a reason I made it, because we were just using my Body Butter, which was incredible for sex. And I was like, “I got to make a lube.” And so, it's basically my body butter but without the essential oils because I just didn't want to mess with the essential oils down there for all of you guys. But that is another thing. If you like my Body Butter, it's a bigger container, you can use that too. ‘Cause it's basically the same ingredients minus the essential oils, and that's how I make it.

I make a huge vat of body butter, well, of coconut oil and shea butter and then I whip it like butter. And I actually do this myself, I mean I have an industrial size whipper now or mixer like the bakeries have. And then I take out all the Sweet Love Butter first, then I add in the essential oils and then I make the Body Butter. Yeah so, Caroline, if you have the body butter, give it a shot.

And again, it's not great if you're trying to prevent pregnancy 'cause it will make the condoms more porous. Okay? Keep that in mind. All right, my loves. Also, if you want to shop some Aimee Raupp beauty, like I said, everything's on sale today and through tomorrow, use promo code ILOVEYOU23. Just go to AimeeRauppBeauty.com. I have lots of stuff. The other top fertility items that people are really loving is my fertility activating castor oil, which is to be used with a castor oil pack or with Abdominal Gua Sha. And my Sweet Love Butter, my magnesium oil is also it's in my fertility starter kit, I use magnesium a lot because so many of us are deficient in minerals but also it really helps calm the nervous system, more restful sleep, it's just so important for healthy hormone production. Okay, have a beautiful day. Love you guys.

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