“It could always be worse…”
Why do people say that? Do we think it’s somehow comforting?
Just because someone out there may “have it worse” does NOT mean that what you’re feeling is invalid. YOU are allowed to feel your feelings.
When you’re dealing with a job loss, a divorce, a move, or any other everyday trauma, it can feel like no one understands.
Today I’ll talk to you about dealing with the everyday traumas of life, I’ll give you practical tips you can put into action right now, and I’ll answer all of your questions.
Here is the full transcription:
Facebook. What’s up? How are you guys? Hi, hi, hi. How is everyone today? I am coming to you live from my new home. We moved last week, a week ago today, which is why I did not come to you guys live last week, because we were in the process of moving. We bought a home in West End, Connecticut, and I am so excited to be in this home. I have this incredible view that I get to look out at over the lush greenery. Yeah, and you can see some of my new office hangings behind me.
Anyway, hello, hello, hello. It is so nice to be with you guys. For those of you, we’re constantly getting new fans, new followers every single day, so thank you, thank you, thank you for letting me be a part of your life and a part of your health journey, and whatever capacity, I appreciate it so much. To all of my consistent and really committed community, I really appreciate you guys so much. Thank you so much.
Another thing to remind you guys is, and I want to get better at this too, so I’m going to bring it to the forefront right now, is, answer, post comments and questions while I’m talking. I gladly engage you guys, and I want to hear how you deal. Today we’re going to talk about dealing with everyday traumas, and I want to hear how you’re dealing with your everyday traumas. I really want to start accessing my community, too. Right? I feel like I’m giving, giving, giving to you guys, which I love and it’s great, but I’d love to have this be more of an open conversation too, which social media doesn’t always allow for. Just remember that, and yeah.
Let’s get to it. Let’s see. Oh, some comments. [Vati-ma-cad 00:01:56], Katie, thank you, Elizabeth. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you, guys, congratulating me on my new house. Yeah, it’s exciting. It’s really exciting, but [inaudible 00:02:04] I was a team call yesterday and we had a different topic chosen for today’s Facebook Live. We changed it last minute, kind of on-the-fly, because I said how amazing it is to move, and how appreciative I am, my contact is dry, of the opportunity to be able to buy a home. I know [inaudible 00:02:29] and just between my husband, and just amazing. We’re very fortunate, and I know that.
However, the stress and the trauma that goes with moving, this is actually our fourth home since Jaymes has been born. In all honesty, it’s actually our fifth, because he was born, we took him out to the Hamptons. We were renting a house out there. I did my maternity leave out there, so we were out there all of September and October. July, August, September, October, we were in the Hamptons, or maybe something like that. Then we moved back to our apartment in Brooklyn that we were renting, and we proceeded to stay there for a year and a half.
Then we moved up to Westport, Connecticut, and rented there for a year and a half, and then they sold that house, and so we had to move. It was very last minute, it was very stressful, and we moved to another home that we thought we were going to buy, and then the house kind of turned out to be just a shit show, no joke. Then we were in a shit show for a year, and that was pretty miserable. Then, now we’ve moved into this house.
It’s been a lot. Through that, my husband has gone through I think two jobs, and he’s currently unemployed and figuring out his next steps. We also had a child in all that mix. There has been a lot of things, and I’ve been growing my business and reaching you guys. I wrote this book during that time. This book came out right before I met my husband, then I got pregnant, then all those other things happened. Then I wrote this book somewhere in the mix. I’ve built up this community somewhere in the mix. I created a whole online business somewhere in the mix, and as amazing as all of that is, I see you guys chiming in here on Facebook, [inaudible 00:04:25] everyone … Hi, Sally. I’m so glad you’re here, and you guys are so sweet with your congratulations.
From the outside that looks so incredible, and maybe even like luxurious to some people, or lucky, right? Lucky I think is a good word. That can create jealousy for others. I think social media is a great space for that. You see people in, like, Bali, and you’re like, “I’m such a loser. I don’t go to Bali,” or whatever. Or, “Aimee’s bought a house, I’m such a loser, I don’t own my house.” Whatever it is, we take other people’s posts and images and their life’s happenings and take it personally, because we’re like, “Where’s my stuff? Why am I not” …
As much as I have all these amazing things going on, I have been in this space of, “Yeah, it’s not enough. Where’s my stuff?” Not selfishly, but also I don’t need to defend that. It’s just how I’ve been feeling because I guess maybe I expected myself to be at a different place in my life at this age. Even my husband has expected that of himself. We have some of these things that we’re working through.
To understand that, I think the word trauma is used very often these days, and I think rightly so. I am not a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist by any means, and will never claim to be one, but I have been in clinical practice for 15 years and I’ve been a waitress, I was a waitress for 11 years before that, which I gives you a pretty decent understanding of the human nature, and of how everyday life stressors can be significantly traumatic to us, and how to manage them, how to deal with them, and really how to have grace with yourself while you’re going through them, because you might not even notice.
Like I just said, I had my helper here before, for Aimee Raupp Beauty orders. She was at the previous house, and now she came to this house. She said, “Everybody seems so settled right now,” because she saw Jaymes and she saw my husband. I said, “I don’t think we realize how stressful it’s been for us, because we were in this space that we really didn’t like for the last year.” Honestly, we were renting from these people that were just kind of jerks to us. I feel bad saying that. They got frustrated with us, because they thought their house was perfect and beautiful, and I think got disappointed that we didn’t think that and had a different expectations. I don’t think they’re jerks. They just got sick of us complaining, I suppose, but I think the house should be heated, basic things like that. Being in this space now, I am starting to realize, “Oh my gosh, I was carrying these things and these worries and this kind of uncertainty.”
I’ve never lived in a home that was a permanent residence since the home I grew up in. I’ve basically been renting my whole adult life. Not realizing the impact that that has, and the trauma that that can take on somebody, and then the sense of belonging somewhere, and then how that impacts you. Even what my husband’s been going through, his career has shifted, and his own identity with that is shifting. Where do we give ourselves the space and the grace for healing from that? Even for me to witness him going through that, and that I can’t do anything to improve his joy factor. That’s on him, and so, for me to have to separate that out, and that’s hard for me, because I’m a fixer. Right?
All of these things, and what life brings up for us, and how to really sit back and witness, and witness our role and what we can do and what we can’t do. I wanted to come to you guys and just share about that. Do you guys relate? You guys get a sense of similar things going on in your day-to-day life, where there’s changes that happen? We might just say like, “Oh, it’s okay, it’s fine.” It’s like, no. You’re allowed to witness that. No, this is a lot. There’s a lot going on, there’s lots of shifts. Yes, there’s a lot to appreciate in my life. There’s so much gratitude, so much joy, so much love, so much abundance. There really truly is, and I never lose sight of that, but I also can get to this place where sometimes I’m like, “Okay, but I still want what I want, and I’ve still been working towards these goals, and I would like to achieve them sooner than later. I would like my husband to achieve his goals sooner than later.” There’s this place where you can get frustrated and impatient with those things too.
I think how we deal with that frustration and that impatience really does impact how we manage through the trauma, if you will. I think we think of things like trauma as, and these things are of course traumatic, but that they’re major circumstances that happen to us, being in war or getting a significant illness, these types of things, but there are these traumas that happen to us all day long, not all day long, maybe within our daily life, that deserve witnessing and honoring.
I think about a lot of the girls I deal with that have been going through fertility challenges, and they’re like, “Oh, it’s fine, whatever.” My one girl the other day was like, she had her third miscarriage, she just started working with me. The doctor had to do a D and C, and he didn’t do his job properly and left some tissue in there. She got this incredible heavy bleeding at a barbecue on Memorial Day. She’s telling me this story, and I was trying to hold space for her. She’s like, “That’s fine.” I’m like, “No, no, no. It’s not fine. Don’t downplay this. This is significant.”
I’m not trying to add drama to it, but I’m also just trying to give her the space to say, “No, you need a good cry about this. You need a good vent. I’m a safe person to vent to. This is a safe space. Just get it out, and then we can move on with our life. I don’t want us to be holding onto it and carrying all these emotions, or anger or fear or worry or sorrow with it. I want us to let it come up and out, up and out.
That’s the kind of stuff I try to do with myself, where it’s like, “Okay, yeah, it’s been an intense couple of years,” and to sit with that. I was like a little short-tempered the other morning. I took some space for myself. I went and took a nice long shower, had some breathing time, and I was able to come out and say, “I feel this way because of X. I also noticed though that your mood is dictating my mood, and that’s my fault because I’m letting you dictate my mood, and that’s classic codependency. I am very aware that I have a codependency nature, and I don’t want to label myself or negatively talk about myself, because I love myself, but [inaudible 00:11:39] this role I’m playing,” calling myself out.
Okay, “I was like that. I had four miscarriages and D and Cs in four years. I’m just now crying a lot this year more than before. [inaudible 00:11:53] this month.” Oh, Chris, I send you lots of love. That’s it too, right? It’s like, I see that a lot in any health challenge or anything in life. Even for me, with what we’ve gone, just like four different homes in four years. That’s significant, and two different jobs, three different jobs really for him, in that same time frame. We have to keep going on with our life. Life isn’t going to stop, so we’re just like, “Oh, well, I’ve got to get up and go to work tomorrow, and I’ve got to do this thing, and I have these other things I have to take care of.”
You’re not giving yourself the space or the grace to really heal. Where is that stuff going? Is it getting compartmentalized in a negative, unhealthy way? Then, in Chinese medicine, we see that. If you’re not dealing with the emotions, if you’re stuffing them down, they are going to wreak some serious freaking havoc on you. You’d better be processing, or at least like the way you said, Chris, Christa, I’m going to call you, like, just give myself the space to witness that, “Yeah, I went through a lot during that time.” It might be three years later, right? It might be as that part has ended.
That’s what’s kind of hit me. We got in this house and all of a sudden I was like, oh my God. This anger was coming up, and this discomfort. I was disgruntled. I’m also tired, and we moved. We packed a house and I have a three-and-a-half-year-old, and thinking about him and school, and I want to keep all his stuff as similar as possible because I don’t want this to be traumatic for him. I want this to be exciting. Also, I’m holding space for all these other people that, just for me to just slow down and witness, “This is a lot. This has been a lot.” Yeah, we’re tough, we’re resilient, we’re getting through it, we’ll be fine, these are First World problems. I’m very aware of that, but also, don’t downplay the situation just because your problems aren’t as big as somebody else’s. It’s all relative. Your life and your things impact you, too. Just give yourself the space and the grace for that. Honor yourself.
Does that resonate with you guys? Let’s see. Laura, Elizabeth. Laura, “This resonates so deeply.” Aw, thank you. Yeah, [inaudible 00:14:13] convince yourself it’s okay. Up and out, totally agree with you.” “I find myself in that struggle. How do I push on, but also give myself space for the time to heal?” Aw, Steve Testament, I love you, buddy. One of my good, good high school friends. Laura Fletcher, “How do I push on, but also give myself the space and time to heal?” I mean, I think you just do. You just also, in that moment, say, “Okay, I still am going to go on with my life, and do my thing,” but in that same space of just saying reconnected. I know you’re a big Body Belief girl, so read my book, Body Belief, this guy.
I talk about the reconnection and how that’s key. Staying connected enough to know, like what I did the other morning. I was being a little bit of a bitch to my husband, [inaudible 00:15:05] I was short-tempered and being a bitch. It just is what it is. I wasn’t doing for my period, it was just any old day and I was just pissed off, and so I caught myself. I went, I checked myself. “Okay, I am in a grumpy, cranky mood. Why? What’s bothering me?” Didn’t take long, a few minutes. It didn’t take long at all. A nice long, like a five-minute shower. I’m not a long showerer. That’s a long shower for me. A five-minute shower, I was able to unpack it.
Giving myself the space and the grace, and that’s it, and then just witnessing it. Saying it out loud to yourself, looking in the mirror, writing it in a journal, saying it to a person that you feel safe with, just calling yourself out. Like, “Hey, you know what? I’m carrying this. It has been a lot for everybody. I just have a lot on my mind and I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself, and I want to keep everybody happy.” That’s it. That’s all it is. Then you will feel such a relief, such a release, and you’re then able to go on and move on, and continue on with your day and with your space.
“Keep up the amazing work, love and miss you.” [inaudible 00:16:19] see you at some point. “Feel the same. I’m back to work a day after my miscarriages and didn’t allow myself the grieving time that I needed.” Right. Sharon and I, Sharon was a coaching client of mine, is, and worked through so much of that. All that pent up grief and emotion, and just this thing of like, I don’t know, we downplay it, like we’re not worthy enough of dealing with it. Life’s too busy, I don’t have the time. Also though, it’s an avoidance thing. “I don’t want to deal with it. I want to actually box that up, push it away, and [inaudible 00:16:54] too big for me, it’s too overwhelming.”
I had a friend last night I was supposed to meet, and she was like, “Are we still on for tonight?” I was like, “To be honest, I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed. Jaymes has got this weird eye thing going on. The house, unpacking, my mom’s here, I’m giving myself a break.” Whereas the past Aimee would’ve wanted to please everybody, and still would’ve met up with that person, and I would have resented having to go. Instead, I just spoke my truth, and she’s a good enough friend that she’s going to understand that. The friends that don’t understand that, goodbye, don’t need it. That’s not grace. They’re not giving you grace. If you can honor yourself and be in touch enough with your feelings to state how you feel, and if someone can’t meet you there, not for you. Just slowing down enough to be like, “A miscarriage, more than one miscarriage is a lot of shit to deal with.” Give ourselves the space and the grace.
“We’ve been trying to get pregnant for two years. My husband recognized my job was making me sick, and he gave me the space to take some time off and heal my mind and body.” Well, Danielle, isn’t that the best thing on the planet? Congratulations and give your husband a big kiss from me. I think that’s beautiful, and what a loving, kind thing. “Not going to lie, not working for the last month has made me have somewhat of an identity crisis, but it’s interesting learning how I define myself by a job that made me miserable.” That’s what I’m dealing with with my … Nikki’s home.
“Starting IUI next week.” Okay. Danielle, keep us posted. I send you so much love, but that’s it. Giving yourself the space and the grace, and then in there, yeah. You’re beating yourself up so much for these things, these expectations that you think you should be living up to for you. What in the hell is that? Be easy on yourself. Cut yourself some slack. That’s what I’ve been trying to do this week too, of like, “Okay, yeah, because it’s been a lot, Aim. Aim, you’re carrying a lot. You’re putting a lot of pressure. I could be a little focused on the lack, and a little focused on what isn’t going right. I’m trying to shift that too, right, because there’s so much good. There’s so much. I’m looking behind me. There’s so much good in my life.
“I left Aspen, Colorado, to move in with my parents in the Midwest to deal with feeling [inaudible 00:19:11] As nice as it seems to be able to take off from work and focus on healing, every day is a bit hard, a bit isolating. I’ve left 18 years of life in Colorado, going through stress and trauma, to heal stress and trauma.”
You know, Trista, I send you so much love, and I totally agree, but also in that, trust the timing. Trust the space and the grace, and that you’re with these people who brought you into the world, who love you and would do anything for you. You’re giving yourself that time to heal, and that does feel isolating, but maybe that’s what you need too. Just trusting as well, trusting the timing of our lives, trusting the unfolding of our lives, which can feel really challenging at times.
“Girl, we are so similar. Heart you.” Aw, you and Sharon, you guys are so sweet. “Steph. Love your inspiration,” [inaudible 00:20:02] to my husband and apologize for my negative mood. We are preparing for our first IUI tomorrow and I’m feeling a little stressed.” Thank you, husband, for my ghee. I just got a ghee delivery from my husband because I have to make a hundred lip balms for the Well and deliver them tomorrow. I’m very excited, but I was out of ghee.
Okay. “Sometimes I pushed my feelings back to just keep going in the present,” and that is okay. There’s this thing about being present. What does that mean? I do think that means being conscious. I don’t think that means ignoring how we feel. I think we need to be conscious and aware and say, “In this moment, right now I’m going to choose” … I got a little emotional just before, if you saw it. What I chose to do was, I don’t want to let those tears out right now. I’m just not feeling it, but I’m aware of them. Sometimes if they’re just on the surface [inaudible 00:20:58] dad that he wrote right before he died. I love it and I read it regularly. See, it’ll make me cry because I miss them still. Even though I know he’s with me and I’m very spiritual, it’s still sad for me sometimes.
In that though, so I’m trying to stay in the present with you guys and move through that, but I’m not going to repress that. I’m going to honor that, too. Even if it’s just that little note right there, I just said to you guys, that just came up for me and I just want to honor that, but it doesn’t need to rule my life. It doesn’t need to keep me in bed for the rest of the day. It’s just, “Let’s honor this. This is how I’m feeling,” but I also do need to get through my day, so maybe I’ll deal with it later. Maybe I’ll write an email to myself or a text message to myself, or I’ll take three minutes to just sit and breathe with that feeling. Accept it, acknowledge it.
When you sit with the feeling, the negative emotion, it hands you the belief. The belief for me is, “Oh, I don’t have my dad to talk to, and he would be the one I would go to with this stuff. That makes me feel sad.” That belief just isn’t true. It’s so funny. I hold onto it all these years and it’s not true. I have different beliefs and I know that, but I still hold onto the old ones, and then they trigger the sadness. To get in touch with that, take those few minutes, a few breaths, and get in touch.
“So excited for you, sending loads of baby dust.” Oh, replying to Julie, right. Steph, “Giving yourself the love and kindness and forgiveness.” [inaudible 00:22:27] That’s right. “Sometimes we have to have unrealistic expectations of what we should do, what we think we should be able to handle. The Wonder Woman syndrome.” Absolutely, and I have that. Oh my God, do I have that. Like, “Well, I can fix that. I’m going to do that.” Now instead I’m like, I’m just the guide. That’s all I am. I’m working on me, too. The more I show up for me, the better I’m going to be for my people, and that’s the most important thing for me, to be honest.
You guys are part of my people. That’s what I mean, but I’ve got to do the work too, and then bring that to you guys. [inaudible 00:23:04] more authentic, vulnerable and honest I am in my work, the more you get from it, the more understanding. Because then we’re relatable, and then you start to see, we’re the same. None of us are different. Everyday traumas are significant, so just give yourself the space and the grace. Look at yourself in the mirror and say something kind. Like, “Hey, you’re doing a good job. I’m proud of you. You’ve been through a lot. It might not seem like a lot to other people. People might look at my life with envy, but my life has been my life. There have been challenges that I still carry, and I give myself a lot of love around that, and a lot of understanding and compassion. That’s what I want for you guys.
Ghee delivery. I know, he’s the best. I sent him a picture. Original ghee, 100% grass-fed. I know. Ghee is in my lip balm, which is the bomb diggity, if you guys haven’t used my Aimee Raupp Beauty lip balm. I think I’m the only lip balm on the planet that ghee, and it is so fucking good. Your lips are, like, the best ever.
“I’ve struggled with my mental health since I’ve had my son three years ago. I do worry about what daily traumas I’m holding in, how they might be affecting me.” Christie, I send you love, too. It’s like, sit with them, journal about it. You know what the traumas are, so just give yourself the space to feel them. Let them come up. You don’t have to unpack them all right away. That might be way too much, but just start to sit with them and identify them. Be like, “Oh.” It’s probably looped in a belief system too of some sort. What they say is, our brain just creates the wiring, so we just keep going down the same path. Instead, the next time something comes up that feels like it’s going to trigger you, in a sense, Gabby Bernstein always says this, choose again. I can choose again.
Listen to the Eckhart Tolle, Oprah Winfrey series that they did on his book, The New Earth on her SuperSoul Conversations on her podcasts. It’s like a seven-part series. It is so good, Christie. I feel like that would be so helpful to you. Maybe try that, because what Eckhart talks about so much is the acceptance and the acknowledgement. It’s not really sitting with the negative feelings for too long. My spiritual teachers talk about the same thing. Don’t sit with it for too long, but sit with it long enough to acknowledge and witness it. When you acknowledge and witness it, you do actually give it space to come up and out. That is the key, because the more we stifle, the worse it is for us.
I have to go live on DAO Labs’ page now at 12:30, so I’ve got to leave you guys, but I’m really enjoying this conversation. I love how engaged you guys are on Instagram and on Facebook. Everybody sharing so much means so much to me, and I appreciate the space you’re holding for me right now, going to make me cry. I needed this talk too, so thank you so much, and I’ll be here next week.
Oh, and I have a gift for you guys. Oh my God, I forgot about that part. My Body Belief meditation. If you go to AimeeRaupp.com/ … Is it Body Belief Meditation? AimeeRaupp.com/bodybeliefmeditation. Head over there, get a free meditation that I created for you that will help you. Christie, that’s something good that will help you, too. Sally, I think that’s a really nice one. Steph, you guys know it. Elizabeth, all you guys on here. Get access to that meditation. It’s great. It’s, like, 15 minutes. It’s made by me for you with lots of love, and to give you the space and the grace to really honor yourself. You deserve that. Okay?
All right, guys. I love you. I’ll see you next week, and Yeah. Have a great day. Bye. Bye. Oh, and if you want, head over to the DAO Labs, D-A-O Labs, their Instagram. I’m going to talk more of the same over there, Chinese medicine and what that means. Okay, ciao.
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Aimee Raupp is a licensed herbalist, natural fertility expert and acupuncturist in NYC, offering natural health treatments, care & coaching solutions to anyone in need of health rejuvenation! Heal autoimmune diseases and feel better now with Aimee’s online courses & coaching solutions. Aimee and her team are experts in Chinese Medicine, & Eastern Nutrition and they are excited to work with you at one of the Aimee Raupp Wellness Centers in NYC, Nyack, or CT. Achieve optimal health & vitality, and take control of your health!
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Aimee Raupp, MS, LAc, is a renowned women’s health & wellness expert and the author of the books Chill Out & Get Healthy, Yes, You Can Get Pregnant, and Body Belief. A licensed acupuncturist and herbalist in private practice in New York, she holds a Master of Science degree in Traditional Oriental Medicine from the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine and a Bachelor’s degree in biology from Rutgers University. Aimee is also the founder of the Aimee Raupp Beauty line of hand-crafted, organic skincare products. She has appeared on The View, and has been featured in Glamour, Allure, Well + Good, GOOP, Shape, and Redbook, and has received endorsements from Deepak Chopra, Dr. Christiane Northrup, Arianna Huffington, and Gabby Bernstein for her work in helping thousands of women to improve their vitality, celebrate their beauty, and reconnect to the presence of their optimal health. Aimee is also an active columnist for media outlets such as Thrive Global and MindBodyGreen and is a frequent speaker at women’s health & wellness conferences across the nation. She engages her large community worldwide through her online programs and with her website, www.aimeeraupp.com.