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Dealing with Grief While #TTC

Grief is heavy. On this journey grief is so prevalent- it’s there every month you get your period. It’s there if you’ve had a miscarriage. It’s there when you’re grieving the life you THOUGHT you’d have right now. And it comes in waves… sometimes little ones that barely touch you and sometimes in huge ones that threaten to take you under. In this video I talk about dealing with grief.​​​​​​ What are you grieving?

Grab my free meditation here: aimeeraupp.com/youaresafe

#miscarriage #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #fertilityexpert #fertilitydetective #aimeeraupp #rainbowbaby

See the Full Transcript Below:

Hi. Hello everyone. It is lovely, lovely to be with you as always. I am Aimee Raupp of aimeeraupp.com. I get to come to you every week and be live and talk about what I think are really important topics when it comes to women’s health and vitality and fertility. You guys have seen a lot of me over the last week, sharing all sorts of stories of hope and inspiration with women on their path to motherhood. As October, which is October started today, can you freaking believe it? I don’t even know where 2020 has gone. It is infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. With that, I thought it was a great idea to do a topic on grief while trying to conceive and talking through that. I want to also make note that I know it’s infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. I myself have lost a pregnancy, so I personally understand that loss, but I also want to honor the women who are on the journey to motherhood who are grieving every month when they get their period. That grief is real.

Whether or not you’ve had a loss, which I understand is a very different situation than just not getting pregnant at all, but both of them are our losses and both of them are worthy of grieving, and to really capture that. Because I hear it a lot in my clinic or with the women I work with all over the world in my coaching programs is that some women are jealous of the other women that have had pregnancies, even if they wound up in losses because they’ve never had a pregnancy. Then vice versa. Other women are jealous of the women that just have the struggle but have never had the losses. It’s very interesting. What I see across the board is the need for grief, the need for forgiveness. Whether it’s forgiving God or the universe or their bodies or the timing of their life, they need forgiveness to help them heal and process and grieve the loss in whatever way, shape, or form it comes. Right?

Because when we’re talking pregnancy and infant loss awareness, I don’t know if you guys all know stories of women who’ve lost, had stillbirths, they’ve lost babies at the end of their pregnancy. They lost babies at six months or four months or nine months, or one month. It doesn’t matter. Loss is a loss and it’s extremely painful. I think the further along, it strikes a chord with me personally. I’ve seen those cases where there are stillborns or there’s losses later in pregnancy. It’s really devastating. But to not underestimate the devastation that occurs every month when you’re trying to conceive a child and it’s not working or every IVF that doesn’t work or every IUI that doesn’t work. Someone just said, “Thank you, Aimee. Three days late but negative test yesterday. Cried and then cried more today. What you were saying makes so much sense.” Well, thank you.

I think a lot of you guys can relate. “Embryos loss.” Exactly. Thank you, Catherine. “Felt like it wasn’t the same as a miscarriage, so I shouldn’t be as sad.” That’s it, it almost feels like. There’s layers to it. Right. I had a coaching client yesterday who just had her second loss. They’re both early losses. She’s in her mid 30s, otherwise very healthy. According to her labs and her doctors, there was nothing. Her doctors were like, yeah, this is normal. Just chalk it up to bad luck. Like, move on, next. I was like, no, no. A, this is not normal. I’m sorry. I’m going to be very clear with all of you. It is not normal to have consecutive back-to-back losses without a live birth in between.

If that happens to you, it is abnormal and you need attention from a doctor who will look at the immunology behind it, or look at a clotting factor panel. It is not normal to have back-to-back losses without a live birth in between. Yes. Miscarriage happens 18 to 20% of the time. That is unfortunately normal. That is nature. It does speak, and nature is wise and it is smart. When you have consistent losses without live births, something else is going on. There’s typically an autoimmune component that is going on and needs to be addressed. If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, this is the first time you ever heard me talk about this, check out my book, Body Belief. Check out the book, Is Your Body Baby Friendly? Check out the work of Dr. Jeffrey Braverman. He’s no longer with us, but his work continues on with one of his doctors, Dr. Vidali that works in his practice.

His website is, what is it called? Preventmiscarriage.com. Start there and bring questions to these lives with me. Get in my hot seat and I’ll give you more advice. Embryos loss, the loss of not getting pregnant every month, having an actual miscarriage, I think even terminations. There are women who are told they need to terminate based on genetics. That’s a loss that basically no one talks about because there’s shame around it, that I had to terminate this pregnancy. There’s just layers to these losses that aren’t very acknowledged. Most women don’t talk about their miscarriages unless they bring it up. Most women don’t. A lot of women are very embarrassed, ashamed to talk about it if they had to terminate a pregnancy. Many women are embarrassed and ashamed that they have to talk about, that each month they don’t get pregnant. There’s a loss in there, right?

The stillborn losses. I mean, the later term losses. I had a woman yesterday that I did a consult with and she had a loss at six months. She has gone on since to have a healthy child and now they’re going to try for a second. But what she had to, because she was young, she was in her mid 30s. She had two losses prior then got pregnant naturally and had a six month loss. The three losses in a row. What she had to do to get a doctor’s attention about this, the only reason they gave her attention was because she lost it at six months. Otherwise, they would’ve just chalked it up again to bad luck, or your eggs are all bad. They’ll say that to you even if you’re 33, because they don’t have reason to look deeper. You do have to find the right doctors to support you on this path.

I think typically hematologists are the best place to go right away for a miscarriage panel. But either way, all these losses are different, but in the end, the same and require what I think is forgiveness. That’s the piece that’s really hard for us to work through in grief. Whatever it is you’re grieving. It could be grieving a long journey trying to conceive. It could be grieving lots of losses. It could be grieving failed fertility treatments, grieving partnerships that didn’t work out or that didn’t come to fruition so you put baby making on hold. There’s grieving the life you thought you would have, I think is the best way to sum it up. There’s grief around that. From my experience personally, and the spiritual work I have done and holding space for women for almost 20 years, I think the component that is not talked about enough that really helps us move through the grief is forgiveness. I just want to see…

Sharon, you’ve had a lot of losses. “Sometimes the earlier the miscarriage, the more mingled the grief with guilt over this is not as bad as other people. I don’t have to grieve as much. Example, chemical, not really even considered a miscarriage by many people, but grief is grief and everyone has the right to feel what you feel because it’s your journey.” Hallelujah to Sharon. Sharon and I, I can share Sharon coached with me one-on-one for a while. She’s in my ecourse group. She’s in my new mama group because she is now a new mama finally, after a lot of losses. She knows the talk. A lot of losses and a long journey too to get to the baby. That’s it. That’s the thing that we really worked on and uncovered. You were in therapy as well of grief is grief. You are allowed to grieve whatever the fuck you want to grieve and for however long you want to grieve it.

Your grief is your grief. No one is allowed to tell you it’s not what it is. I don’t want you to mingle in it for too long, but I get it. I want you to be able to move through it. You know, four and a half years of losses. Yeah. I mean, that’s just too… Dr. Braverman patient, still a loss. The thing that I noticed with that is you need my diet in conjunction with his protocol. That’s what works for these girls. Sharon was one of those. Anyway, I’ve had a handful of girls following the protocol and it’s still not working. The diet on top of it is really what works. The Body Belief diet, I would highly recommend that to you. In fact, if you don’t have a copy of it, Mrs. Ralph, just DM us and we will send you a signed copy. Because I want you to have that book and I want you to follow it. “Second trimester loss, such a gray area of need. I’ve also terminated due to significant birth defects.” Exactly.

I’ve had a handful of them. Alyssa, kudos to you for even writing that there, because many of the women that I know that have terminated are just so full of shame and doubt and grief, and they don’t want their family to know. It’s just like there’s layers of judgment around the termination thing, which I think you do what is right for you and your family. That’s it. You shouldn’t have to answer to anybody. “Amen. Find someone who believes in immune issues.” That’s right. “After miscarriage, I can’t conceive for three years before I loss my pregnancy at 11 week. Now doctor says eggs are difficult to produce.” You know, Angel, I would go to my books and some of my programs. I think that’s the best way to start. Start with my book, Yes, You Can Get Pregnant. “My therapist told me grief is like an onion.” It really is. There’s just layers and layers.

“Had a doctor tell me my embryo wasn’t the best quality so I should be happy it didn’t take because it would have died anyway.” My God. I mean, there’s a layer of like nature is smart, you know? I think the key with how to deal with the grief on the journey, right? If we get to that. I don’t have all the answers by any means. I, myself grieved my own miscarriage. It’s a year ago. Right now I was like getting the D&C for that miscarriage. The grief comes later I think, at least for me, but there was things, so many things that I grieved in that miscarriage. There was so much shit that came up for me. I think the best thing to do is to sit with it. Sit in the dirt of it all and the muck and feel all the feels and let yourself be mad, be sad, be angry, be pissed off, be disappointed, be grateful, if you will, that nature was smart.

Also be trusting that the spirit baby conversation has helped so many of my clients over the years, helped me tremendously, helped me before I even was trying to conceive. Before I was even married, but I was dealing with women who were having losses or we’re on this journey and we’re just so heartbroken and so sad and grieving so deeply. One of my patients told me about the book, Spirit Babies. She actually said to me, I think it would be good for you to read because you hold space for us and this might help you. It did. It helped me so much to start to understand that spiritual connection. I think regardless of what your spiritual upbringing or background or space is, to just start to engage that there’s this other world universe. That the spirit of the child knows its destiny before you do and that there is a purpose to them coming through or not coming through just yet, or the purpose to their journey to you, to your family, to the delay, and embracing that.

I think in understanding of that, you take some pressure off yourself and knowing that your only job is to be prepared. To be in the preparedness, to give your body and all of your cells and your emotional space and your heart and your uterus the best opportunity possible to receive. That some of this decision lies in the decision of that spirit and when is the time for them to come through. Then if you are partnered or there are other family members involved, all those things get involved in the decision-making process of when that spirit comes through. For me and for many of my clients, that book, Spirit Babies. The Energetic Fertility Method by Nancy Mae is also another beautiful book. She actually studied under Walter M. I forget his last name, Makichen or something, who wrote Spirit Babies. I think those are both beautifully healing books.

Doing a spirit baby reading with someone like Nancy Mae or Kelly Meehan is another one of my favorites. Really helpful in opening up to that and hearing the energy and the flow and what’s around you and what supports you and what doesn’t. Sitting in it, I think spiritual guidance and assistance in whatever shape or form that looks like for you. Even some of Gabby Bernstein’s books I think are super helpful. The trust aspect of you are where you’re supposed to be. Abraham Hicks has been extremely helpful for me in my whole life. I started studying Abraham when my dad was sick and dying, which was, he and I were very close and I was 36 when he died. It was crushing to my life. It was a different grief than the trying to conceive grief or pregnancy loss grief, but it was grief nonetheless. Abraham helped me a ton with that.

Then that led me to Gabby, and that led me to Deepak Chopra, and that led me to Wayne Dyer. There was a huge spiritual awakening that happened for me through the grief. I shared that too because it doesn’t end with the grief. Like Alyssa said, that the grief is like an onion and it’s just layers that you peel back. I think more of you gets exposed and another layer gets to be healed, and more gets exposed and another layer gets to be healed. We can only do that if we let ourselves feel it all. It’s scary to feel it. It’s sad to feel it. It feels annoying to feel it and redundant, but you do need to feel it. Thank you. Walter Makichen, Makichen. Thank you. How do I say it? Makichen, Makichen, Makichen. I just say Walter M. Thank you. We get into it.

What someone had said to me, it was before I had the pregnancy loss but I was grieving the desire to have a second child and that my life and my situation wasn’t allowing that. I wasn’t trying to conceive. We weren’t in the position to make another baby. It just wasn’t going to work in our marriage at the time. It was a conversation my husband and I had. If you guys heard me do my live after my miscarriage, you know the whole story. I’m not going to go through it again. But the decision was that, to choose to support him and what he was going through and to put baby making on hold. But I was sad about that and I was pissed off about that and I was angry and I was grieving. My good friend and major supporter at that time said to me, you need to grieve the life you thought you would have. I think that’s the key for all of us is no matter where we are, no matter what we’re grieving, that life isn’t unfolding the way we imagined it.

That in and of itself is sad and deserves a moment of grief or a large time of grief, whatever feels right to you, but acknowledgement. The key to shifting out of a belief pattern, the key to shifting out of an emotional state that feels heavy and dampening and sad is you must acknowledge it. I feel sad because, I feel angry because, I feel stuck because, I feel fucking pissed off because. Boom, boom, boom. Know that it doesn’t go away, right. Even for me with my dad, I mean, it’s 10 years next month. There are days where it comes over me. It just does. I just let myself feel it and sit with it and know it. It’s like this time of year as a reminder of me of when that happened, and we all have that. I think it’s muscle memory. I remember saying once to someone, I could be anywhere in the world, not just in the season of fall which was when he passed, but know the time of year when he passed because I can feel it in my cells.

Grief stays with us. It lingers. You might not all agree with me right now. I think it’s an honor, because grief is just love in a different form. That’s all it is. My friend Lia Avellino said that and I think it was one of the most profound things I ever heard, that grief is just love in a different form. If we see it like that, it starts to become something more beautiful than something that’s heavy and sad. I don’t know that there’s direct answers to grief or to, especially I think around the trying to conceive piece with it not happening every month, or failed fertility treatments, or pregnancy and infant loss. But there’s just this space of, we need to acknowledge it and then work on forgiveness. I think forgiveness of ourselves, forgiveness of the timing of our life, forgiveness that things aren’t unfolding exactly how we wanted. “Gabby has a live event today at 1:00 PM on unlocking purpose and abundance.” She does, and it looks amazing.

Oh yeah, my books. “Kindly send me the links. I’m new here.” “Body Belief got me my littlest, will forever be on that diet.” You’re so sweet. Gabby’s event looks great. “Just finished a book, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way. It’s a must read.” I might read that. That sounds good. “Very sage advice.” Love that. You guys are so sweet. “Absolutely, grieve the life you thought you were going to have is so key.” Thank you, Joanne. The guilt. Oh, the guilt. I know, honey. I know. “Is an ANA positive test that comes negative two months later considered autoimmune?” If you’re having challenges or losses, I would look down the autoimmune path if you ever once got a positive ANA, even if it goes negative at some point. “I had a miscarriage and I have your Body Belief book, but I’m afraid to do the diet because I’m underweight and have so much trouble that I can’t imagine doing the diet. I don’t know what to do.”

Well, a lot of people, I always say the diet, what I’ve seen it do is it just balances you wherever you’re at. You won’t lose weight if you eat everything I tell you to eat because it’s a lot of protein and fat. You’re not going to lose weight. If you start to, you just add back in some carbs like rice or quinoa, that’s what I would say. That’s another part of grief is like looking into it, looking into the fears around trying something different. I think about Joe Dispenza, where he says, our present moment and potentially our future is based on our emotional response to our present moment, right? Our emotions are based on our past and what has happened to us. If we want to change the trajectory of our life, if we want to change the unfolding, if we want to change the patterns and the wiring even in our brain.

As I talk about Body Belief, your body hears everything your brain says. Your brain dictate your behaviors. Your behaviors dictate your health and your life. You want to change that brain conversation and ultimately change the behaviors and then change your life, you need to change your emotional response. We start to act out in fear, or anger, or jealousy, or we isolate, we pull back, we shut down. We don’t talk about the situation anymore like that kind of stuff when we are programmed by our past events. What you do is you see the situation for what it is. I’m going to use you as an example. Don’t take it personally. I’m afraid to try this diet because I have this weight issue, but I do have autoimmune stuff and I have fertility stuff, but you know, I’m afraid. Where’s that fear coming from? It’s coming from past experiences where X, Y, and Z happened to me. Okay. But do you want to change the trajectory of your life moving forward? I do.

Are you willing to try something new? Maybe expect different results. Is there a possibility that you could get different results this time around? Has Aimee seen cases like yours before and it’s worked for them? Is there a possibility it could work for you? That’s all you have to do. You don’t have to change your whole thought pattern around it. You don’t have to say, I’m never going to have a loss again. I’m not going to lose weight at all on this program. It’s going to be the thing that changes my life. That might be too much pressure. But you could just say, I’m open to the possibility of something working out differently than it has in the past. Just in that way, that’s cognitive behavioral therapy, by the way, in a nutshell. It’s also called rewiring of the brain.

Just in that way, you start to rewire your brain, just like what Spirit Babies does. What it does is it opens you up to this other idea or notion that you are not the only person in this equation of trying to conceive, but there is the spirit of the child coming through. If you’re in a partnership, the energy of your partner. If you have another child, the energy of that child. If you have family members that are involved, it’s everybody’s energy. You start to realize like, I’m just one piece of the puzzle. It takes pressure off of you. In relieving that pressure, I think we start to then allow for more forgiveness and more space for ourselves to heal, to grieve, to process, to try something new, to be open to the possibility that things can shift.

I think to look at the grief and the moments that sucked and that have forever changed us as also ways of expansion. What have they shifted in my life? What have they made me realize? Where is my focus? What are the things that we’ve now grown through? I can say from my own experience, it was massively transformative, massively transformative on levels I didn’t even know needed to transform. I was open and aware for that transformation. I see it as that. I actually still have that baby sonogram picture right there on my desk. I look at it with gratitude and appreciation for the most part. I also eagerly await. I’m never going to get rid of that photo, but I can’t wait to put another one over it that is the next baby that’s coming through.

It’s become a reminder of me not of a loss but of a moment, and an understanding, and an opportunity, and a process, and something that I’ve been moving through rather than something I’m letting weigh me down or hold me back. My story is different than everybody else’s story. I’m not saying that that’s how you have to approach it or that there’s a right way or a wrong way to approach it. I’m just giving anecdotal evidence of what’s worked for me. But remember, I’ve also had the luxury of being on this path with thousands of women for almost two decades. I see it work out more often than not. I get to hold that space for many people, and it’s impossible for me to not hold that space for myself. Right? Because I just know it and I’ve seen it and I’ve lived it and I believe it.

I have hope and I have faith and I have the spiritual, I almost want to say like the side that I can lean on. I just get into spirit and it really does help me. Allowing yourself, I think, really coming back to grieving the life you thought you would have, to forgiving your body, forgiving the time, forgiving the doctors. Alexandra and I went live last week. She had had quite a few losses. When we first talked, she’s an ecourse student and she did some private coaching with me and she was pissed off. She was angry. Doctors had missed things and she had every right to be angry. I was angry for her. You guys can see me. I get angry when I hear about more losses than there should be. I mean, I do. My feathers go up as I say. I just get pissed. But I had to write a letter to the doctor that she’d never send, but just letting it all out. Then when she did finally get pregnant and I was like, now you’re going to send a birth announcement to that doctor too and just going to jab them.

I don’t know if you did that though, but I recommended it. It helped her so much. There was a forgiveness in there that she had to forgive. It’s one layer, and there was another layer, there was another layer, and then there was another layer that was her own self and her own body and her own opinions of how her life should have unfolded versus how it did. Right. Forgiveness, forgiveness. With all that, I do have a meditation that I made not that long after my own miscarriage that I thought would be really nice to share with you guys. It’s my I am safe meditation. If you go to aimeeraupp.com/youaresafe. Instagram, you guys can DM us for the link. Facebook, we’re going to post it for you guys, aimeeraupp.com/youaresafe.

I see some other questions here. Let’s see. “Absolutely agree. Grieve the life you thought you would have.” “Ordered Body Belief but out of stock.” Look at me. Because we had a busy week. That’s great. That’s good for me. Not so good for you. I’m sorry. October 8th is only seven days away. Okay. “I look forward to my coffee every day. Can Body Belief work if I continue one cup of organic coffee a day?” Yeah, I think so. I mean, during the purified phase, if you can do it where you cut it out for those 11 days, that would be great. Just make note. If you don’t see all the changes you expected to see, then the coffee could be a culprit. That’s how I would approach it. “I now see my miscarriage as miracles, but it did take me a while to get to that point.” I agree.

I do see it as like this, almost when I think about it, I see this white spark of light. It’s like a gift from the universe. It was like, I was chosen for this person’s spirit to complete some sort of mission. I do. I know what the mission was, or at least I think I know. I’m very proud to be a part of it. I feel very graced and honored by it. Not to say it isn’t sad or that I didn’t wish it turned out otherwise, but there was a purpose in it and a mission. I feel grateful for that. I don’t know that I would feel the same way have I had four losses, you know? I get that everybody’s different and might process it differently, but they are miracles and they are blessings. They do say in the spiritual world that most of the time the same spirit comes back to you. You physically lost the child, but you didn’t lose the spirit of that child. That helps me. That might help you.

“Forgiving the doctors. Never thought of that. The doctor I saw for my first fertility workup scared the crap out of me.” I think that’s important. Okay guys, so free meditation for you all, aimeeraupp.com/youaresafe. I’m going to go because I made myself an appointment to get my eyebrows waxed. They have not been waxed since February. You can’t tell, but I can tell. I’m going to go and get my eyebrows waxed. I love you guys and I’ll see you next week. “I started taking the herbals today. I love it.” Well, congratulations. All right, guys, I love you. I’ll talk to you later. Just let yourself feel all the feels and grieve the life you thought you would have and forgive. Maybe that’s part of it. One last thing because Deb said it, “I never thought about forgiving the doctors.”

Make a list of the trauma, maybe the loss or the trying to conceive or the path and the journey and how long it’s been, and where are you still mad? What are the situations you’re still pissed off about? Each one of those situations needs a letter or an acknowledgement of forgiveness. Maybe you won’t be able to forgive it all right away. But like, oh, I need to work on some forgiveness around that. I need to work on some forgiveness around that. Okay. All right. You guys have a wonderful day. I’ll see you next week. Bye for now.

End of Transcript

 

Aimee Raupp is a licensed herbalist, natural fertility expert and acupuncturist in NYC, offering natural fertility treatment, care & coaching solutions to women who want to get pregnant! Get pregnant fast with natural fertility care, Aimee’s online fertility shop & coaching solutions. Aimee Raupp has helped hundreds of women to get pregnant naturally! Aimee and her team are experts in Chinese Medicine, Massage & Eastern Nutrition! Get pregnant naturally, achieve optimal health & vitality, take control of your health! Aimee is excited to work with you at one of the Aimee Raupp Wellness Centers NYC. Aimee’s Fertility Coaching Program is a personal guidance along your fertility journey. If you are trying to get pregnant naturally, this program is for you! Aimee Raupp offers holistic, wellness and natural fertility books. Learn how to enhance your fertility and get pregnant naturally with Aimee’s cookbooks and diet guides! Shop Aimee Raupp’s natural fertility shop with online workshops, videos, consultation and coaching on fertility, meditation and healthy nutrition! Shop Aimee Raupp Beauty – Natural Hormone Balancing Skincare. Achieve natural hormone balancing with the Aimee Raupp Beauty Line of organic, gluten-free, dairy-free & cruelty-free skincare products! FREE US shipping! Natural Oils, Creams & Balms for Face And Body. Unbeatable anti-aging results! FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA Follow me on social media so you don’t miss these sessions live!

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